I’m really mad about getting kicked off Twitter right in the middle of Operation Buttercream, because it was such a spectacular clusterfuck and it would have made such a great event to live tweet!
One of the last images I tweeted was this: trying to replace the element in my oven, which died an unceremonious death.
The stove eventually had to pulled out of the island but there was not enough space for my husband to jam himself in behind the oven. So Mr. JB is draped over the glass cook top trying to beat the wires on the back of the stove into some sort of submission and he’s not having a fantastic time of it. The insulation is scorched, the wires are brittle with age and the individual strands on one wire have melted together.
I have two of nine cakes baked at this point, and I need to make seven more. And I have no oven.
And then it all goes mad! Mr. JB shifted his weight on the glass cooktop and shattered it into pieces. I mean shattered! Luckily, I had thought to place a yoga mat over the glass so he didn’t get hurt, but now I have no oven, and no stovetop and a wedding cake for 200 people to make!
I ran up and down the street between my neighbor’s houses, using their ovens and cooktops to make the cakes and white chocolate ganache, checking cakes and whipping up batter and buttercream frosting in my own kitchen and running back to check on cakes and it was craaaaaazy!
But I did it! There was a chef at the wedding (the groom’s brother in law) and he said it was the best wedding cake he has ever tasted! I have a theory as to why that is – it’s a great recipe – butter, flour, eggs, vanilla beans – but the key was that it wasn’t decorated all fancy. It took about an hour to do all the buttercream rosettes, instead of three to four days for a real fancy cake boss creation (which I could never have done in the first place). Instead of the cake being four days old, it was less than 24hrs old. Ergo, it wasn’t dried up shitty vanilla flavored sawdust, as most wedding cakes are.
Sucks that I didn’t get to live tweet that whole fiasco, and I still have yet to hear from Twitter about why my account was suspended. David Futrelle is pretty convinced it’s because I posted pictures of male infant genital mutilation which is kind of sickeningly hilarious – the pictures were abusive. You know, not actually cutting the baby or anything. No comment on that, but god forbid I post a picture to shame feminists for not giving a fuck about little boys.
I have a second Twitter account that I am using until an actual human gets around to reviewing my account, and you can find me @thejudgybitch .
The wedding cake was fun, despite everything. The bride and groom loved it and it was a wonderful gift to give. Mr. and Mrs. M. are two of the most level-headed, down to earth, genuine people I know, and I am extremely confident they will go the distance. All the love and congratulations in the world for the new family!
Hope to see you all on Twitter, with my original account restored.
Lots of love,