So, you’re a responsible girl, right? A totally modern woman, down with premarital sex and physical pleasure and you know all the right moves when it comes to preventing pregnancy. You’ve been on birth control for most of your adult life and you have Plan B in your medicine chest just in case some catastrophic failure happens and the fruits of your loom decide to weave you up a darling little bundle of joy.
You have the abortion clinic on speed-dial.
Good for you! Yay! Abortion is dirty, nasty business that it’s best to avoid if possible.
But all the responsibility in the world won’t prevent those moments when the Visa bill comes and you find yourself financially screwed once again. Damn those credit card companies, giving you so much free money!
Courage, my love! There is a solution.
There are two ways to go about this little money-making scheme – one for amateurs and one for the more experienced ladies. Both require that you have a boyfriend with some assets (or the ability to acquire them), and the first step will be to accurately evaluate what resources your sweetie can come up with.
Is he a shiftless musician playing in dirty dives most weekends and delivering some pizza on the side?
Well, he can sell his guitar and his car, right?
Is he a staff accountant at a prestigious firm? Not rolling in the dough quite yet, but chances are he can qualify for a nice tidy line of credit at the corner bank.
Is he a stockbroker lining up for a wicked Christmas bonus? Oooh. Jackpot!
Let’s get the moral quandary out of the way right off the bat, shall we? Men rule the world. They have all the money, all the power, all the opportunities and all the privilege.
So fuck them.
My plan for profiteering is not only perfectly moral, it’s pretty much REQUIRED just as means to get the balance a little more right. Men have had it too easy for too long and it’s time for a little comeuppance.
People only feel guilty for doing the WRONG thing, right? So don’t feel guilty, because none of this is wrong. It’s fairness. Justice. Follow my advice and know you are acting with integrity and walking the path of righteousness, redressing centuries of wrong with one cool trick.
Let’s go the amateur route first. What you are going to do is get a positive pregnancy test and then inform your astonished boyfriend that you will need money for the abortion. Based on your calculations of his available resources, select a clinic with a fee set as close to that number as possible. Screen cap the payment info and have it close at hand for the conversation.
Practice looking wretched. Rub a tiny bit of Vicks or Tiger Balm on your eyes for the full flood effect. Weep your little heart out. Let him know you never, ever wanted this to happen and you can’t bear the thought of ruining his life. Cast him as the hero who alone can save you from the terrible fate of bearing his child.
Make sure you get cash.
And set a calendar alert for the day you are having the “abortion” so that you don’t accidentally forget and get caught out shopping with your new moola! Spend two days on the sofa clutching your tummy and a teddy bear, and ask him to order in all your favorite foods, which you can freeze for lunches for the next week!
You’re very welcome.
Now, let’s move on to the more professional ladies. You’re not in it for a couple hundred bucks. Fuck that. All of this rests on the assumption that your boyfriend has some serious resources, which you are entitled to because he only has those assets in the first place because he’s a man and the world happens to consider his Masters in Finance oh so much more important than your Barista of Arts degree. Obviously bullshit.
You will not need any Vick’s or wretched looks. Oh no. You need to be excited! Cautiously excited, but excited nonetheless. Your boyfriend, you see, will not just be paying for the abortion, he will be paying you TO CHOOSE abortion.
Wonder out loud, as you giggle about how surprised your mother will be, just how much child support you will be able to count on. Throw out a wicked number for the nursery and preschool fees. What you want to do is get him to think about just how expensive this little bundle is going to be, and then the negotiations begin.
Maybe the baby isn’t a good idea. Maybe you want to pursue your dreams of creating a felt installation that will get you into the MOMA. Give him an opening. Let him talk you into a settlement. If the money he is offering isn’t quite what you want, switch back to enthusiasm until he gets it up near what you deserve.
Again, cash only please.
See how easy this is?
All you need is positive pregnancy test without actually being pregnant.
Well, fuck me. Guess I didn’t think this one through very well. How are you going to get a positive pregnancy test? I guess you could follow a pregnant woman home and search her garbage, but by the time you can SEE she’s pregnant, the testing period has long passed by.
If only you could BUY positive pregnancy tests from women who really are pregnant. If only it were possible to purchase a stick covered in some other woman’s pee containing those knocked-up hormones. If only there were women brave and dedicated enough to offer such an item for sale to help redress all those many wrongs that have accumulated over the centuries.
And only $25.
All right, ladies. Get to it! Bundles all around!
Of cash, of course.
Who wants those?
Lots of love,