A teenage girl’s best weapon against slut-culture? Her dad.

22 Jan

dad3

The Daily Mail has been running a series about the very real cultural threats that make becoming a young woman with sense and morals and manners so bloody difficult. The last article in the series today is well worth a read, because it’s about the importance of a father to a young girl just blossoming into womanhood, and that is so often left out of the debate.

I’m not one for “trigger warnings”, since I figure calling myself JudgyBitch is a pretty big indication that I might be “judgy” and quite possible “bitchy”, but in this case I do want to warn readers that the author of this article is critical of fathers who are absent, but neglects to mention the fact that most fathers who are absent have been removed forcefully from their daughter’s lives by family courts that tend to award custody to female parents with little to no consideration of what might be in the best interests of the child, following a break down of the parent’s marriage. If anything, the article strongly suggests that older children SHOULD be with their fathers rather than their mothers, particularly girls.

Be aware of this serious omission before you click through.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2266183/Get-wrong-shell-explode-But-right-fathers-love-set-daughter-life.html

The author, Steve Biddulph, a family therapist who wrote a book several years ago about the crisis happening with boys, has noted a new crisis emerging with girls: a culture of early sexualisation. In other words, slut-culture. He quite rightly notes that this is a violently destructive force that is ruining young girls’ childhoods, and he has some good advice for how to counter that force.

http://www.stevebiddulph.com/Site_1/Steve_Biddulph.html

His number one piece of advice is to have a devoted, loving father present.

“For a girl, Dad is her personal ambassador from the Planet Male. If she has a good relationship with him, she’s unlikely to settle for less from the other males in her life, or allow herself to be manipulated. Put very simply, psychologists have discovered that it’s good mothers who make girls feel secure – but it’s good fathers who are vital for their self-esteem”.

dad2

He starts by recommending that fathers make a personal pact with themselves to never strike or hit their daughters. Good advice. It also applies to boys. No one should ever hit children, full stop. Children should be treated with gentleness by their fathers, because that sets the groundwork for them to understand that when Daddy roughhouses with them, it’s about PROTECTING them, and not about Daddy being an asshole with no capacity to discipline or enforce boundaries without the use of violence.

Don’t hit your children. Seriously. It’s an awful thing to do. If you don’t know what else to do, start here:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

Once you are established as the man who protects her, and never harms her, rough and tumble games can be really good for little girls. They lead to a greater capacity to deal with stress, for example, and an enhanced sense of adventure. I remember when PinkyPinkyPie was just a baby, learning how to crawl, and Mr. JB would crawl around after her and fling his body over hers, forcing her to struggle to get out from underneath him. It used to freak me out. Everything about it seemed wrong, but it was clear that she absolutely loved this game, so I shut my mouth (it does happen, sometimes) and just let them play.

As she got older, they would play the “I Smell A Fire” game which involved Mr. JB flinging her across his shoulders and running around the house looking for a fire, veering dangerously close to walls and corners, but never colliding, obviously. Again, all my instincts were “no! stop!”, but they both had an absolute riot playing this game.

carry

True story: I once came home from grocery shopping on a very hot summer day to find Pinky in a snowsuit, dangling from the second story stair railing, with a rope tied around her torso. Pinky and Daddy were playing “Mountain Rescue” and Mr. JB had showed her how to tie the proper knot to pull a body and he was rescuing her from an avalanche. I will admit that I did properly freak out about that one. I don’t think it’s a good idea to teach children how to tie ropes around themselves and fling themselves off staircases. He let me have that one. They went outside to catch flies and throw them in the spider web and watch the spider come and kill them. Yech.

spider

Aside: Mr. JB informs me it was a bowline knot, and everyone should know how to tie one. Oooooookay.

bowline

Each child, in turn, has had their own special, and to me, brutal relationship with Mr. JB. LittleDude was obsessed with pliers and vice grips when he was around 2, and he loved his Daddy to chase him around and pinch him with these tools (gently, obviously). MissBossyPants likes to play the chase me and catch me and throw me on the couch game, and I’ve come to see that when she invites a man to chase her, it means she really, truly loves and trusts that person. Our good friend JudgyAsshole can barely get in the house without MissBossy demanding to be chased, but if another, less familiar man were to do that, she would be terrified.

chasing

We are now entering an interesting phase with PinkyPinkyPie, who is just on the verge of turning 11. Physically, she appears to be a late bloomer, as was I. She looks entirely like a little girl, and she is very slender and small, weighing in at 68 pounds. Several of her classmates are fully bloomed young women, though, and like it or not, they have an impact on Pinky.

girls

I’ve always thought that Mr. JB would play a stunningly important role at this stage of development, and we have had long conversations about how he is now a stand-in for her expectations of how other men should treat her. Turns out he always was, but right now, physical affection and affirmation is incredibly important, as is letting Pinky know, in language that is gentle and respectful, when she’s being a dick. When the kids were really little, I was the Enforcer of Rules. Our toddlers would never have thought to ask Daddy if it was okay to have a popsicle before dinner. Mommy’s word is Law.

But now, I can see that Pinky looks to her Dad to set the rules.

Can I sleep over at Amanda’s house? – Nope. Amanda’s mom is single and dresses like a hooker. Amanda can come here.

Can I go to this birthday party at a nail salon? – Yes, but no FAKE nails.

Can I go to Jack’s house for dinner? – Yes, I know his father and he’s a good kid.

Can I have an iPhone? – Yes, when you’re 17 and have a job.

And that is just how it should be. Power transfers from mom to dad. A lot of women have trouble with that. I’ve seen it happen. Hell, Mr. JB’s mom has trouble with that. She gets very jealous when the Duke and Mr. JB spend time together without her. Perhaps because my own wicked witch of a mother threw my father out of our house when I was 11, I understand on a very profound level WHY Mr. JB is so important to Pinky right now. I mean, he always has been, but now more than ever.

dad

It’s interesting that feminism is so vested in destroying the first relationship a girl has with a man. Remember Germaine?

http://judgybitch.com/2012/11/02/daddy-should-be-every-little-girls-first-love/

Single motherhood, divorce, rape culture, slut culture. It’s all part of teaching women that men do not matter. That they are dangerous predators who cannot be trusted. That they are worthless and useless and irrelevant, unless they submit, from childhood, to the whims of women.

stepping

Why are young girls facing a crisis? Why are they lost and lonely and depressed and despairing? Because their mothers have made sure they have no fathers. What goes on in our house has a name: it’s called patriarchy. The rule of the father. Feminists insist this means that the father rules his adult partner, and obviously, that is a Very Bad Thing ™, but it doesn’t mean that at all. It means the father is acknowledged as the person who governs children as they pass from childhood into adulthood. Patriarchy isn’t the husband ruling the wife. It’s the father ruling the children.

Without that rule, girls are lost. Boys are, too. Without fathers, everyone is lost.

lost

Dangling like a four year old, tied up with a bowline knot, and no strong arms to catch her. And that’s truly a disaster.

Lots of love,

JB

42 Responses to “A teenage girl’s best weapon against slut-culture? Her dad.”

  1. redpillwifey January 22, 2013 at 15:30 #

    Brilliantly written.

    For me, there was also a sense that “I shouldn’t date this guy, my dad would eat him alive”. My dad is the only guy my husband has ever been scared of. My dad would make it a point to polish his sword or gun collection if I had a guy over. All my boyfriends called him “sir” when they didn’t even do that for their own fathers or teachers or anyone else. He was never mean to them, never threatened, always treated the respectfully, but there was definitely a sense that treating his daughter the wrong way would be unacceptable. A simple, stern “Have her home by 10pm” had the unspoken “or else” at the end, well implied.

    Daddy is also the silent guard dog, ready to pounce for his daughter’s honor.

    • happycrow January 22, 2013 at 18:10 #

      Yup.
      Interestingly, my experience at the younger age is quite different. My wife’s a shy/submissive type in general, and the three-year-old (we got a late start and are one-and-done for biological reasons, which some people love but for me is a freaking tragedy) will run roughshod over Mrs. Happycrow.

      God help her if she crosses me, though. While I *do* believe that a spanking is an appropriate tool when rightly used, her first name delivered in a tone of patriarchal outrage does more than any a bazillion smacks on the ass ever will.

  2. Edita TWRA January 22, 2013 at 16:04 #

    “Why are they lost and lonely and depressed and despairing? Because their mothers have made sure they have no fathers. What goes on in our house has a name: it’s called patriarchy.”

    You also have to realize that feminists have established laws which made it easier for fathers to walk out on their women. Now yes it is a woman’s fault she is a promiscuous slut, however now men are no longer shunned if they leave their wives for younger women for example. Feminism, has created a hell for future generations of women as the biggest victims of feminism have been women and NOT men. There is no world wide conspiracy to oppress men. But there is the plan for gender fungibilty and gender neutrality, which both feminists and MRA’s support. Thus, to blame only women for this chaos is antagonistic against all women in general and makes you sound like an angry woman hating MRA. Also, you say you support patriarchy but MRA’s are essentially against patriarchy which again contradicts your particular stance. So my question is are you a mere egalitarian who seeks to get attention from MRA’s by purporting the propaganda that women are evil? By ignoring what men do you completely ignore the hardships that women must experience thanks to feminism and that is a true shame really, as you are NOT speaking for women. You are speaking against traditional women just like MRA’s are doing.

    We must return to Patriarchy and by supporting either feminism or MRA, you will further move away from the goal of accomplishing a patriarchy.

  3. Erudite Knight January 22, 2013 at 16:23 #

    Uh oh, JB, I got my first crazy feminist who found my blog and attacked me!

    http://eruditeknight.wordpress.com/2013/01/16/trying-hard-to-not-hate-girls-just-because-of-feminism/

    I know you had a whack one a while ago. Do you let their messages post?

    • judgybitch January 22, 2013 at 16:25 #

      Nope. I usually trash them all. They are free to get their own fucking blogs. No need to come here and mess up mine.

      • Erudite Knight January 22, 2013 at 16:29 #

        But there unfounded rage is just so enjoyable to see! Haha, I posted back to her on her blog, doubt she will want to hear facts.

        • judgybitch January 22, 2013 at 16:31 #

          I called her stupid in your comments. Sorry.

          But fuck, she’s just stupid. At least MY feminists can masquerade logic. Not very well, mind you, but YOUR feminists are retarded.

  4. AverageMarriedDad January 22, 2013 at 16:24 #

    Thanks for writing this. As an active father, who teaches roughhousing (including Judo and jiu jitsu moves for self defense to both son and daughter) I’m strongly in favor of the father being integral in life initiation. The yin and yang of the behavior of mothers and fathers are both essential. Moms like to keep kids safe, dads want kids to be adventurous and push the boundaries of safe play, and kids need both. And fathers need to stand up and be the leader in the family and not just a yesman to a domineering wife who’s got his balls in her purse. That’s an important point that must be made as well.

  5. Erudite Knight January 22, 2013 at 16:31 #

    Hey JB would you be interested in trading blogrolls?

    • judgybitch January 22, 2013 at 16:33 #

      Pixie does all the site admin for this blog, and I’m not sure why we don’t have a blogroll, but I will promptly nag her about it. She’s probably doing something pointless like laundry or making dinner or playing with her son.

      #lazybitch

      I’m on it, and YES! Of course.

      • princesspixiepointless January 22, 2013 at 16:39 #

        I will get to it! When I fucking feel like it…(totally forgot actually…is our facebook page working yet?). The blog roll, it’s in the top 15 things to fix on the site….#fatlazybitch

        • judgybitch January 22, 2013 at 16:42 #

          Facebook is a disaster! Much like my living room at the moment. Just one giant mess!

          • princesspixiepointless January 22, 2013 at 17:14 #

            The boys have moved the tent/polar bear den into the front room and the
            tree is still up. My living room looks like a squat run by seasonally disordered
            idiots…so pretty normal then…Oh shit, that wine has been needed rescuing for
            20 minutes, and here I am sitting at the fucking computer.

            I’m coming baby!

      • Erudite Knight January 22, 2013 at 16:39 #

        I look forward to it.

        I liked your comment too.

      • princesspixiepointless January 22, 2013 at 16:40 #

        I’m actually doing all 3 & about to crack open a soldier!

        • judgybitch January 22, 2013 at 16:43 #

          No one rescues wine from a bottle quite like you. Except maybe me.

          No fancy knots required!

  6. M3 January 22, 2013 at 17:23 #

    Now whodathunkit?

    Awesome piece JB.You should make sure Dalrock sees this.

  7. M3 January 22, 2013 at 17:27 #

    Reblogged this on M3 and commented:
    Not sure how many of you have read Judgy Bitch but while i’ve got some high traffic spikes happening i thought i’d introduce you guys. She’s awesome, and today’s piece about the importance of fathers in the development of their daughters is a moving and necessary piece in the face of feminism’s constant prattle about the non-necessity of men.

  8. Dr. Eric Stratton January 22, 2013 at 18:16 #

    Everyone should know how to tie a bowline, also a taut-line. And a half hitch.

    Great post. I have three daughters, so I think about these things frequently. The wife doesn’t always like it when I teach the older girls, five and three, things like “that kid is a bastard,” but it’s important. I was pleased yesterday when the five year old said, “First you get married, then you have kids.”

  9. Spacetraveller January 22, 2013 at 18:26 #

    Great post!
    This should be common sense, but in this current world…

  10. Liz January 22, 2013 at 21:39 #

    Wow. Great post as always, JB.

  11. Sir Alan January 23, 2013 at 01:00 #

    So true. So poignant.

  12. Ter January 23, 2013 at 01:23 #

    I’m not surprised by the huge response to this article!

    I LOVED reading about how Mr. JB plays with your kids – sounds like a ton of fun (avalanche rescue! :) ), and I somehow can’t quite picture any mother doing all these things..(maybe one or two).

    PS. He’s absolutely right about the bowline knot! How can anyone leave the house without knowing this?? I use it for everything (even fish hooks – never had one come loose!)

  13. infowarrior1 January 23, 2013 at 03:08 #

    @JB

    I recommend this article which is relevant:

    https://patriactionary.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/the-alpha-dad-and-the-beta-dad-a-punishing-tale/

  14. Ter January 23, 2013 at 04:31 #

    This comment may be slightly off-topic (being that it doesn’t apply to daughters) but whenever I read a post such as this one and the role of fathers in a family (vs absent) is discussed, I often think back to a documentary I saw on television many years ago (Australian 60 minutes, I think).

    Basically, it described the destructive behavior of juvenile elephants when the adult males weren’t present (ie. ~absent fathers) and how things changed when adult males were introduced.

    ..just thought you might find it interesting:

    Short summary version: http://www.estatevaults.com/bol/archives/2012/08/09/the_case_of_mar.html

    or detailed version: http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500164_162-226894.html

  15. gregariouswolf January 23, 2013 at 06:04 #

    JB, I really love you stuff on dads. It’s nice to be thought of as a valuable part of the child rearing process.

  16. Podsnap January 23, 2013 at 10:52 #

    Without that rule, girls are lost. Boys are, too. Without fathers, everyone is lost.

    Dangling like a four year old, tied up with a bowline knot, and no strong arms to catch her. And that’s truly a disaster.

    Lots of love,

    I don’t have to agree with what you say to think that this is great writing.

    And I do agree with what you say.

  17. Julia February 5, 2013 at 01:09 #

    “…most fathers who are absent have been removed forcefully from their daughter’s lives by family courts that tend to award custody to female parents…” Where’s your evidence that this is so? Most? Show me that evidence please. “Because their mothers made sure they had no fathers”. Really? Now you’re just pointing your well-manicured finger at mothers who for a wide variety of reasons may want and/or need to leave their children’s father. And one reason may be to keep their children and themselves safe from violence. And I’m not talking about that special brutality about which you are so happy to share. Keep your personal stories to yourself and do some real research.

    • judgybitch February 5, 2013 at 01:12 #

      Somebody call the Waaaaaahmbulance.

      Julia is in the house with her woe is me tale of Innocent Princess Victimized By Big Mean Man.

      Blah blah blah

      Got anything new for us, Jules?

      No?

      Ok then.

      Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

  18. leo barstad March 8, 2013 at 16:31 #

    This is an important post, pretty much for everybody.

    On a related note, I think the rough housing is important for girls because it was my experience, when I was younger, that girls didn’t seem to know the rules when it came vigorous physical kinds of play, something that boys learn early.

    If you play a lot of sports, for instance, you know what sorts of contact is allowed, and what sort will only get someone hurt. These are unspoken rules that boys pick up and apply in any kind of physical play.

    I remember in sixth grade, back when the boys and the girls were around the same size, our teacher let us play a basketball game that was boys vs. girls. The girls weren’t very good at the game, but they sure beat the crap out of us physically. All the boys were sort of shocked. They slapped, they hit, they shoved, they pushed when someone wasn’t looking.

    In retrospect, it seemed that the girls only had two speeds. Either they hung back and didn’t participate, or there were no rules and they totally cut loose with no regard for anyone else’s safety. It was almost like dealing with a little baby who thinks nothing of smashing you in the face with its’ head, or poking you in the eye. They had no clue.

    There is are even rules that go along with roughhousing, and boys seem to know even when they are slapping each other or wrestling, where the line between playing and fighting is, and girls seem just to figure that anything they do is fine.

    I remember once, even in my early twenties, I went for a walk in a forest with a woman, and we were down by a creek. I happened to look over at her and saw a large rock coming straight for my head. I ducked out of the way and said indignantly, “Hey, you threw a rock at me!”

    Her reply was dismissive: “Oh, men catch things.”

    On second thought maybe she wasn’t clueless, maybe she just hated me.

    • judgybitch March 8, 2013 at 16:40 #

      She threw a rock at your head?!?

      Jesus.

      • leo barstad March 8, 2013 at 16:47 #

        oh. . . .men catch things.

        • judgybitch March 8, 2013 at 16:49 #

          Yeah. Sometimes with their face.

          I hope your brought her some mending: here, women sew things

          • leo barstad March 8, 2013 at 16:53 #

            Hilarious.

            Though maybe not as attention getting as a river rock.

            Maybe if I stabbed her with one of the needles and told her to sew it up?

  19. Ed March 23, 2013 at 22:06 #

    JB, I wanted to thank you for writing this blog.

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