Dating single mothers? Just say NO! A note for all the single dudes.

11 Nov

First up, let’s clarify our terms.  A widow is NOT a single mother.  Her husband died!  Lumping her in with single mothers is an insult to his memory, to her and to her children.  So don’t even think of doing it.  Especially war widows.  If you ever find yourself referring to a woman whose husband died on a battlefield as a single mother, you should immediately pour Tabasco sauce into your eyes, because you deserve to weep all the tears I’m certain she has.

Divorced mothers are also NOT single mothers, although a huge flashing PROCEED WITH CAUTION sign is definitely in order.  We’ll get to these charming ladies later.

A single mother is a woman who had a child outside of any established relationship, or a relationship so fragile the thickest retard in the world ought to have been able to see bringing a child on board was a FUCKING TERRIBLE IDEA.  Single mothers are bona fide idiots and here is why you should never even consider dating one:

First, this is a woman who clearly doesn’t give a shit about her child’s well-being and future prospects.  Children of single mothers do poorly on every imaginable scale:  they have more emotional problems, experience more stress, are more likely to grow up poor, they have lower educational achievements and experience way more behavioral problems than children who grow up with married parents.  Depression, suicide, drug abuse, jail and psychiatric medications are all more common in populations of children raised by single mothers.

Ladies, this is why abortion exists!  If you screw up and get pregnant, don’t screw up even more and bring an innocent child along with you!  The rest of us who have to LIVE with your fucked up, emotionally scarred children will PAY you to have a fucking abortion.  Be sensible, for the love of god.

Second, single mothers are clearly really, really shitty at making life decisions.  Having a child out of wedlock is pretty much the number one thing you can do to fuck up your life.  You can pick up a heroin addiction, drop out of high school, rob a bank or decide to write the great American novel financing yourself on your credit cards. All of those things can be fixed.  You can go to rehab, get your GED, get parole, and pay off those cards.  But once you have a child, you cannot take it back.  It’s done.

Third, single mothers profoundly misunderstand men.  There are few men who are overjoyed to spend their blood, sweat and tears on some other guy’s genetic offspring.  Remember the Cinderella Effect? (

It’s real.  A modern man doesn’t turn up his nose at a woman with some sexual experience who might have learned a trick or two from previous lovers about what men REALLY like, or more likely, she learned how to FIND OUT, but the majority of men would like to see a NEW sign on her uterus.  No previous occupants.  When a man picks a wife, he wants to know he won’t be competing with some random babydaddy who was there before him.

A woman who cares so little about her children, her own prospects, and her future husband is NOT going to make a great wife.  Sorry.  It’s just not going to happen.  A great wife and mother places the needs and happiness of her husband and children ABOVE her own needs, and in doing so, finds her greatest happiness.  So politically incorrect to say so, I know.  But a woman who makes YOU the center of her life is going to be a great wife.  Oh, and in return, you have to make HER the center of your life.

See how that works?  Yeah.  Not really a huge mystery.  You live for one another.  You both put each other’s happiness above your own.  Exactly what single mothers do NOT do.

Now divorced mothers, who are a breed of single mothers, MIGHT  be a little different, but whenever you approach one, sing this little song in your head:  it takes two to tango.

Never, ever assume a divorced woman is some innocent blushing maid cruelly abused by some terrible man.  Oh, that’s the story she’ll spin for you, because really, what women is going to sit there and say “I’m an unbearably controlling and irrational cunt who made my husband’s life such hell he decided he would rather be a weekend Dad than spend one more second with me”.

When you meet a divorced single mother, immediately start looking for the flaw.  It’s something big.  Something that drove another man to pledge his undying love to her, to have and to hold, from this day forth, and then sometime later decide “fuck this shit.  I’m outta here”. Stand firmly on guard.  Scan the horizon, dude.  Something wicked this way comes.  Or it soon will.

Divorced moms who escaped abusive marriages with drug/sex/gambling/whatever addicts should not get a free pass from you, either.  Even if it’s TRUE that the husband was a colossal fuck-up, you need to ask yourself what kind of imperceptive moron couldn’t spot that?  What kind of insecurities plague a woman who thinks getting married to a drug addict is  good idea?  What kind of delusional self-image does a woman have, if she can fall for a con artist with a gambling habit that would shame Charlie Sheen?  Be very cautious around a woman who takes none of the blame for her failed marriage.  You might not be the FIRST man she blames all her problems on, but you sure as hell can be NEXT.

Don’t be.

On the whole, give single and divorced mothers a pass.  And for the love of god, if you decide to give one a spin, STAY AWAY FROM THE CHILD.  That child is aching for a man to call his or her own.  Every child of a single mother lies awake at night in bed, longing for the Daddy he sees on TV, in books, in the lives of the other kids at school.  He wants you so badly.  Don’t let him fall in love.  You’ll break his heart.  Or hers.  Little girls long for daddies as much as little boys.

That’s the real danger.  The children of single mothers have already been wounded so deeply by the lack of a father.  To give them some hope that it might be YOU, and then leave them is unspeakably cruel.  It’s the worst thing you can do.  You can’t save those little innocents, but you can save them from hurting even more.

Don’t date single mothers.  It’s just not worth it.

Lots of love,


177 Responses to “Dating single mothers? Just say NO! A note for all the single dudes.”

  1. Chunk January 25, 2014 at 07:43 #

    Married a single mom; it’s mostly true. Divorced now. Thank god. If every person didn’t go for a single mom, then women would stop looking around after dating a jerk while friendzoning the good guys. Either she’s a deadbeat or she likes deadbeats.

    • Daves ex wife February 2, 2014 at 15:23 #

      stumbled upon your blogs. i must be a judgy bicth too. and my worst ennemi.i believed my own judgments. when i divorced, irreparable differences, ive prisoned myself as a singlemom status, wont date till the kid is 18. aiee… sure gets lonely. the kid is 15 and well a teenager,need i saymore. so ive been loking down on myself for years, and living the consequances of my actions.divrcing.. quite boring really,iknow.

  2. Spencer February 3, 2014 at 04:07 #

    Yikes. At least you’re honest and give a warning about being a judgy bitch as a warning before we read. I think it is all about your outlook on life. Dating a single mom won’t be a nightmare if you have the same beliefs that killing an innocent child in order to live up to the standard of society is wrong. If you care more about money and social status a single mom probably isn’t for you. If you are attracted to a woman who doesn’t care what other people think (especially judgy bitches) and holds to her faith rather than the the judgement of other people I think a single mom can be perfect for someone. It won’t be easy but no relationship ever is. I also think women who think single mothers are crazy might change their mind if they got an ultrasound of their baby. It’s a baby!!

  3. Bobby W February 19, 2014 at 20:17 #

    I feel like I’ve been played for a fucking fool.
    I met a woman three years older than me, a divorced mom. I know the father in the case, and I can verify that he is a total douchebag that wants nothing to do with his daughter. I’ve talked to the son of a bitch on several occasions, and he just wants to be footloose and fancy free. Hasn’t spent a night with his daughter in two years, even when the mom asks if he can take her so she can pick up an extra shift or two at work.
    Anyways, I met her. And we started talking and hanging out together. I started falling for her. The night my dad tried to kill himself, she dropped everything and came to be with me while my mom went to the hospital. I stayed behind to look after my little siblings while they slept. Because of that, my plans to attend a Super Bowl party at her friend’s house, I really don’t like football, I just wanted to spend time with her, were ruined. She came and stayed the night with me.
    Don’t get the wrong idea. I know she almost always has her daughter. When the thing with my dad happened, she was staying the night at grandpa and grandma’s, ditto on Super Bowl night.
    Anyways, we continue to talk and hang out. I drop by the tech school where she’s studying criminal justice, because she wants to be a cop and working as a waitress/delivery driver doesn’t exactly leave her with much spending money, and I take her out to lunch, we talk between her classes. We go out to karaoke a couple of times.
    The sequence of events is out of order some, so bear with me.
    The night that she came to be with me when my dad tried to kill himself, is the night I realized I loved her. I’d never felt this way about anyone before. Frankly, considering that I usually walk through life in an unfeeling haze, I’m surprised that I was able to do so at all.
    I didn’t tell her, at least not then. A week later, she admits that she loves me when we were at karaoke. I’m so overwhelmed, and not due to alcohol since I don’t drink, that I admit that I love her too. I’m a little concerned because she’s had a couple of drinks. I think that it might just be a mistake made due to alcohol. She later says that she does love me while sober, so I don’t feel worried anymore.
    Things are going great. I’m supposed to meet her daughter on her birthday in March, when I bring my little sister to the party. We’re going to have a picnic in the park on Valentine’s Day.
    Then, if you live in the United States, you know that a big ice storm happened last week. I live in South Carolina, a state that has virtually no support services for such weather. My power went out, along with phone, internet, and cable. I have no cell phone for a multitude of reasons. I was with my family during that time, trying to help my mom and dad out. The last time I talked to my girlfriend before the blackout, she told me that she was going to her friend’s house. On the battery powered radio, I hear about more than a dozen crashes on the street where she lives. I’m freaking out. We live pretty far out on the outskirts. I walk six miles to the nearest neighbor still around to use the cell phone. Call over 20 times, each time it rings and rings, then goes to voicemail. I’m thinking the worst. I can’t get to where she lives, because the car won’t start, and her house is thirty miles away. I end up going to jail that night. I violated juvie parole by going out of state to my grandpa’s funeral, and I got an adult escape charge because I was 19 when it happened. My ankle monitor died that night, so the police came and picked me up. If I hadn’t remembered my agent’s number, I might still be in jail. The thing is, it wouldn’t have died if I hadn’t gone to try and call her.
    A lot of other stressful shit happened last week, too. I finally get a line on her Thursday night, just two minutes to make sure she was alright.
    Next day, Valentine’s. Power, phone, internet, everything back on around five. I leave her a message at around five to call me. No response. Log in to Facebook, finally get a hold of her. She’s been talking to her family, letting them know that grandma’s all right. Her daughter is begging her for attention. Her best friend is depressed, and she’s trying to cheer her up. Her ex-husband is alternating between being a dick and kissing her ass. So she’s busy.
    I say fine, just give me a call when you get a chance, because it’s been really stressful, and the sound of her voice makes me feel better, always. I love her cute little southern accent. I just want five minutes of her time, to tell her how much I love her and miss her, and to reschedule the picnic.
    No phone call for two hours. I log back on. I get the message, “I can’t have someone under my ass all the time. Truth is, I’m not ready for a relationship. Sorry.”
    I’ve been unfriended, and blocked. I leave her a message on the website where we first met, one for lovers of an activity that we both enjoy, for her to call me, to talk to me, anything. No response. I try to call her several times throughout the next few days. Only one answer, to tell me to stop calling and leaving messages. Yesterday, I got the same treatment on that website as Facebook. I ask her best friend and her mom to talk to her, to try and convince her to tell me what the hell it is that caused her to do this. To talk to me at least one last time, and answer my questions. No response from either of them.
    I’m going out of my mind here. Since last Thursday night, I haven’t eaten more than a bowl of cereal that I forced myself to choke down. Anything else just gets thrown up soon after, if I can even get it down. I’ve had maybe 7 hours of sleep since Friday. I can’t think of anything else but her, I can’t stop replaying conversations with her in my mind. I can’t help but feel played for a fool. I still want her. I know myself well enough to know that I won’t get over her. I don’t get over emotions this strong, I just learn to deal with them.
    I accepted that being with her probably meant no kids with my own DNA, because I’ve seen the doctor’s reports that she has less than a .001 chance of getting pregnant again. I accepted that she’s religious, not Christian though, even though I’m an atheist who usually scoffs at religion. And she accepted that I’m an ex-con. That I’m trying to get my life together myself. At least, she seemed to.
    It may seem early, but this is the woman I wanted by my side for the rest of my life. I wanted to be the one who woke up to her face every morning. I wanted to be the one she called when there was a bug in the house because she has an intense phobia of them. I wanted to be the one who would leave little notes for her, dance with her, be there for her when she was sad.
    I still do. I still want to be with her. The only thing I couldn’t forgive would be if she broke it off because she cheated, because we both told each other that there were going to be no others if we were to be together, and that’s too much betrayal of trust for me to deal with.
    If she doesn’t want to be with me, I at least want to know why. What caused this? Why break up, when, only three days before, there was no sign of anything being wrong? Did she really love me, or was she playing me for a fool? Why would she do this to me if she loved me?
    Because, I’m a wreck. I can’t listen to music because every song reminds me of her. My favorite tv shows are all unwatchable, because they all have something that remind me of her. It causes a new wave of pain every time. I’ve barely ate or slept. I can’t think of anything else. It’s eating me away.
    Anyways, I don’t know why I posted this here. I don’t know where else to do it. I need advice, some help, anything. I don’t know where else to do it. I just know that this place has helped me through some rough patches in the past. Maybe it can do it again.

    • judgybitch February 19, 2014 at 20:25 #


      That’s quite a story and I’m very sorry this is happening to you.

      Getting dumped always sucks but honestly, this lady sounds pretty heartless. It’s probably better that you found out now instead of ten years from now when she gathers up whatever assets you’ve managed to accumulate and waltzes out the door with them.

      I hope you feel better soon. And you know you will, right? Once the shock wears off and you get through the grief, you will start to see that this one was nothing but trouble and you are better off without her.

      • Bobby W February 20, 2014 at 17:30 #

        I’d like to think I will, but I doubt it.You see, I walk through life without really caring about it. I was diagnosed with depression at fifteen. None of the available pills seem to work, and some of them make it worse, as hard to believe as it is. I’ve been this way since I was five. I can enjoy things, but most of the time I’m just apathetic. I don’t get really happy. I can feel things, but I just can’t bring myself to enjoy living. I’m not suicidal, just apathetic.This woman changed that. She made me look forward to life, she reached through my haze of apathy and dragged me out. Now it feels like I’ve been given a glimpse of how beautiful life is, just so that I’d know exactly how good I can feel, then kicked back into my fog so that I can have the pain of knowing what I’m missing.
        But, I digress. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, ever. I love my brothers and sister, would do anything for them. The way I feel about her, it makes that love seem weak and pale in comparison.

      • Bobby W February 20, 2014 at 17:54 #

        An emotion this strong isn’t likely to fade for me. I still feel just as bad about my grandpa’s death now as I did ten years ago, I can just deal with it better. The love and pain I feel because of her is stronger.
        I also come from a family with a bunch of bachelors who never got over their first heartbreak.
        It took sixteen years to find this, I wonder to myself how long it’ll take to find again, if I’m able to, and if I’ll be over this enough to take advantage of it.
        The irony is, she’s the one who said that she’s afraid to get her heart broken again.
        I just wish I knew why she did this.
        Thank you for trying to help, JB. Hopefully, you’re right.

        • Becca Doss March 19, 2014 at 10:33 #

          I am a single mom of one. I loved my husband intensely..Part of me always will..I too don’t just love easy..I puppy love sometimes but I’m over that shit in about a week…My husband I loved…then one day his high school crush contacted him on facebook…some chick he pined for for years apparently…and I stopped mattering…This chick screwed you over because shes afraid to feel again. She pushed you away…Shes lacking..My husband putting his old lust and crap over his established family is a jerk…I’ll admit I’m not perfect…I’m a little apathetic and ocd…I can be a total bitch..but he lived with me for nearly two years before he married me…so my crazy shit was no surprise…People are complicated..they do reckless emotionless stuff to each other to protect themselves..or hell..maybe that female your so in to realized even though her husband is still a jerk she still loves him and what she feels for you isn’t love…it was comfort…and blocking and pushing you away is what she needed…she needed to know somebody could love her then she needed to know she could be in control…that sucks its awful…but heartbreak and feeling abandoned can really screw you up.

          • Bobby March 20, 2014 at 19:05 #

            That’s the weird thing though. I didn’t tell her that I loved her until she told me.
            But, yeah, I’m still screwed up. I’m still not eating. I’ve lost over 10 lbs. since then. I’m still not sleeping. I’ve currently been up for 116 hours at this point. Really dangerous, considering that I’ve gotten a job as a delivery driver. Luckily, I’ll probably pass out tonight, when I’m off of work.
            I still can’t listen to music without crying, and I haven’t turned on my tv in over two weeks.
            I tried to talk to her once when I ran into her when I went to sign up at the local community college. She told me that she had nothing to say to me, that I shouldn’t have expected anything of her, and that she hadn’t expected anything of me. I don’t know what the hell she meant by that.
            I did have a mini-breakdown on my birthday, got so drunk that I couldn’t walk, and posted a long, bitter diatribe on the website where we met. Now she’s called me crazy, and said that she’s worried that every guy she meets is going to be as crazy as me. I don’t know what I wrote, because I’ve lost nearly all memory of that night, and it was deleted by time I woke up.
            It’s been over a month and I still can’t get her out of my head. Working as a delivery driver leaves me with nothing but time to think, and I’m always thinking of her.
            I’m not going to try and kill myself again, but I’m barely hanging on here. The first person that I’ve ever love, that I’ve trusted in ten years, the second in my life, someone who made me believe that they loved me and wanted me and cared about me, basically told me, “Fuck you, I don’t want you in my life.” And because I can’t handle the pain, I can’t just bottle it up and repress it like I used to do pain, I’m crazy. Because I asked her to talk to her one last time, to say what I need to say to her, I’m crazy.
            And the sad part is, even now, after everything that’s happened, after all the pain, and anger, and sadness, I still want her back. Every painful moment, every sad moment, every fucked up part of my entire life, I’d relive them all just so that I could hold her for five seconds at the end. That’s how good this woman made me feel.
            I could say all kinds of things like I wish that she knew how bad I felt, that I wish I could cause her this much pain. That she’s an evil bitch and that I hate her. But none of it would be true. I just want her to be happy in life, even if it’s not with me. But I want to be able to move on, and the only way for me to do that is to tell her what I have to tell her. But she won’t let me.

            • Lucy March 22, 2014 at 19:15 #

              Write a letter to old girlfriend and then burn the letter. I think you need a hobby, something you love to do, like paint or do music. Pour yourself into that. I think once you are over this, you’ll be glad she’s gone. Maybe you could compose songs while you drive around or sing. When you feel better, try to meet a woman, without kids, and then go real slow. Like don’t see her very much at first, like maybe only once a week for a long time. Don’t talk to her everyday. Then you can gradually increase. Watch her, is she nice to people? If she’s mean to people ditch her, because sooner or later she’ll be mean to you, if she’s mean to others. Love should be easy. Good people make things easy, they aren’t difficult. Love should not be a drama, if love is a drama, it’s just sick and get rid of it.

          • Lucy March 22, 2014 at 19:23 #

            Becca, that you love someone that treated you so bad, is a little disturbing. He doesn’t deserve you. (he picked some idiot from his high school????) IMO don’t live with a man, IMO this is how it works out. The woman wants a committment, so they live together. HE’s not sure, then she nags, they get married, and it doesn’t work out, because, he was never sure. Watch new men very closely, be very methodical and analytical. See what he does. This way you don’t have to waste years of your life on that crap. Good luck, I think you’ll do well.

    • John Yossarian February 20, 2014 at 06:26 #

      Bobby – You’re just suffering endorphin withdrawels. That’ll pass in time. The fact is that she didn’t play you – She’s just messed up. This is that single mom who shits on the nice guys (like you) because that’s not how she really wants to be treated. She wants guys like her ex-husband, which you are not. You’re going to have to avoid women like her. Like Judgybitch wrote above – Single moms are a screaming red light, for this reason. Anyways, I think you sound a little desperate. That’s from lack of experience. There are more fish in the sea – Convince yourself of this first. It’s good that met her on the Internet, but next time use a dating web site. Do some online chatting with a whole assortment of different women. Then talk to them on the phone. After that, make some short and casual dates (coffee, lunch, etc.) From there, ask out the ones who you felt something for – Whether sexual or spiritual, mental or recreational; ask them out for dinner and mini-golf or a concert, or whatever. Go canoing or play video games together. Whatever it is that you’re both into. After some time, you’ll get it down to just one chick. Only then should you invest yourself the way you did with this one. Ok – Good luck, brother! You’re in my atheistic prayers. – Yossarian

      • Bobby W February 20, 2014 at 18:08 #

        Thanks for the advice man.
        I feel played, because I wouldn’t have put myself into this so much if she hadn’t told me she loved me. She didn’t throw off any red flags that I could see. She got married at eighteen because she got pregnant, and this is the Bible Belt. They divorced because she couldn’t stand the infidelity. Her ex had nothing but good things to say about her. She adores her daughter.
        Really the only red flag was that I wasn’t her normal type.
        I probably should have seen it coming, though. I’m so far outside her normal type, it was hard to fathom why she liked me. I’m introverted, intelligent, bookish, serious, quiet, not cocky, and bald. I’m not the long-haired, hard-living, frivolous, arrogant, loud, redneck type. That being said, I’m not a pushover or a weak person. I’m just more of an introspective person. I prefer to listen and watch more than speak.

      • Bobby W February 20, 2014 at 18:21 #

        She told me that the reason she liked me so much was that I treated her like a queen, but that I was more, I guess you could say dominant, than her. According to her, I come off as confident without being an asshole, odd seeing that I don’t see myself that way.
        I wasn’t even looking for a relationship, really. I’ve had girlfriends in the past, just no one I’ve cared about so much. I was just looking to chat with some people more experienced than me at this activity. One thing led to another, and now, here I am.
        It’s going to be a while before I try dating someone else, if I ever do.

  4. Bobby W February 27, 2014 at 00:39 #

    Thanks for the years of entertainment and education JB. I’ve decided to just give up. Call me weak, call me stupid, call me what you will. It all ends tonight.

    • judgybitch February 27, 2014 at 00:52 #

      One of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting.

      I love the scene where the character played by Matt Damon describes how his abusive step father used to make him pick between a belt and a wrench.

      Which one are you gonna take?

      He picks the wrench.

      Why? Cause fuck you that’s why.

      What it means is this: no amount of pain, no amount of sheer agony, physical or otherwise, is gonna break me. You will never win. You will never defeat me. You will never triumph over me. I will get hurt, you will break my bones, you will make me cry but I will get back on my feet and keep going. You know why?


      It sucks to think they’ve beaten you, Bobby. I hope you think twice. Try and find that “fuck you” we all have inside of us.

      Fuck you is what keeps you alive. We all have it.

      Fire in the belly. To live. To win. To beat those fuckers down.

      Turning it against yourself is just what your enemies want you to do.


      Why not?


      There is probably a hotline you can call, Bobby. Someone to help you find your fire again.

      Please do it.

      Fuck them all.

      • Bobby February 27, 2014 at 03:58 #

        I don’t think I’ve ever had that fire, unless it was before I can remember.
        It’s not just that. I’m tired of being depressed, tired of being angry at myself and things I’ve done and stuff that’s happened to me. I’m tired of being alone. My parents don’t want me, I’m just here out of a sense of duty. I’m the oldest of my siblings by years, so no adult companionship there. I’m sick of feeling like I don’t deserve happiness. For years, I’ve said that the first rule to my life is that I am not allowed to be happy for long. The only reason I’m not dead yet is that my dad’s still awake. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried pills, I’ve tried everything I can think of to stop feeling this way. I’m just done. At 21 years old, I’m done. I’m sick of feeling this way. I just can’t do it anymore. I love my siblings, and I wish them the best, they’re the only thing that’s kept me going this long. To have the one thing that made me happy ripped out of my life without explanation or any apparent logic behind it is what broke the proverbial camel’s back.
        Thank you though, for trying to talk me out of it. You’ve showed that you care more than anyone in my life but my siblings. I appreciate it. It’s just not enough.

      • Bobby W February 28, 2014 at 22:44 #

        Hey, JB. You might be happy to know that I survived my attempt. I had already taken the pills and alcohol, and was in the tub when I came to my senses. What you said really did help. I couldn’t get it out of my head, the words “fuck you” and “fuck them all” kept running on a loop in my head. I realized that it was stupid, and that I was only proving that I’d let her have that much effect on me. I puked up the pills and booze, and I slept for over a day, but I’m fine.
        It still hurts, I still love her, I still want to be with her. I don’t think that that’s ever going to go away. Hopefully it will.
        She doesn’t want to be with me, and I’ve got to make peace with that. I’ve made myself a fool in front of the community that we were a part of, so I’m getting off of there for at least a good six months. I’m going to get my life back on track, and show her what a good thing she passed up. Because I am going to get my shit together, and I’m going to find myself a woman who’ll appreciate someone who’s willing to make her the center of his life, and who’ll do the same for me. It might take a while, but I’m not going to just give up again.
        I want to say thank you JB. It may have taken me a little long, but you’ve helped ignite the spark again. Now it’s up to me to build that little spark into a roaring blaze.
        Best wishes, JB. I plan to be a visitor on your site for a long time to come.

        • judgybitch March 1, 2014 at 01:09 #

          Whew! Close call, Bobby.

          I am so glad you changed your mind, and that you changed it for you. We live in a world where men are trained to believe their life only has value if they are in service to someone or something other than themselves. And you know what?

          That’s bullshit.

          Your life has intrinsic, inherent value.

          I’m glad you decided to keep it.

  5. TG44 March 6, 2014 at 21:12 #

    Brief background info: I’m a 35yr old male. I am a teacher and personal fitness trainer.

    About a month ago I was dumped by my girlfriend, a single 32 year old mother of two girls (13 and 6). We dated for about 8 months but it got serious very quickly. I was days away from moving in with her when we both decided it was more for financial decisions and not the right move. A week or so later she broke up with me. Then, a few days later asked me back. Then, a few days after that ended it again for good. She has had bad intuition about the relationship from the beginning even though I treated her and her girls well but was careful not to get ‘too involved’.

    Here are the red flags:

    Flag 1: Two kids, Two Dads

    One out of state in jail for child abuse to one of his other kids with different woman

    Other one is a wealthy dentist out of state who is a cross-dressing, drug abusing father who sees his daughter about twice a year for a few hours.

    There is a third. The last boyfriend she had (20yrs older than her) began dating her when the youngest was 2. They led her to believe he was her dad and she called him dad. When they broke up he stopped seeing the girl but slowly came back while we were dating.

    Flag 2: She doesn’t like working that much. She does not stay at a job very long (no more than a year) and all her jobs are low paying care-taking jobs ($10-12 bucks an hour).

    Flag 3: She is in credit card debt (about $10-15000) and in debt to her ex boyfriend for about 8k (which she pays back at $20/month).

    Flag 4: She has had about 15 different relationships since the oldest was born (she’s almost 13).

    Flag 5: Proclaimed to be a love addict and sex is a HUGE part of her relationships.
    Flag 6: She has moved across country for men and moved away from family.
    Flag 7: Told me she loved me very early on, talked marriage, house etc..
    Flag 8: The oldest, in the beginning would bang on the door when we were having sex, screaming and crying that she did not want another brother or sister. This messed my head up. The youngest was also a lot to deal with. Very smart, great personality, but had anger issues, and there was constant bickering and fighting with her sister.

    There are more that I can’t remember right now. However, I MISS HER. I basically begged her to take me back twice before. She did and she loved how we communicated. Then she dumped me, I gave her space, she asked for me back..then dumped me again. I gave her space for a couple of weeks but then lost it. Emailing, texting..texting some more..and more. Then I missed her daughter so I went to see her at the bus stop. I finally get a text response saying stop contacting me and stay away from my kids or I’ll get a restraining order. I was like..HOLY ! The texts were about me wanting to give her and her kids a stable happy home, and me doing whatever it took to give them that. blah blah.

    The thing is, often times while I was at her place I took deep breaths, knowing I did not want this future, knowing I wanted a child of my own. Knowing she was dead broke, in debt, 3 men in her life and a lot of drams with the kids and all three are on medication. Her for anxiety and the girls for ADHD and ADD.

    However, she was so sweet, kind, loving, sexual, calm. It was nice going somewhere everyday where someone cared about me. She was also VERY pretty. Good body, beautiful face..everything. The sex, while plentiful was not the best. It was fun but there was not much ‘feeling’. I’m average size and she was….kind of large down there. Nonetheless, that did not bother me. I loved being with her in that moment. It was passionate, not just about getting off. Also, she loved giving oral and was GREAT at it.

    All of these issues, all of these flags, knowing I didnt want this as my future but also not wanting it to end and not wanting her with someone else. It physically hurts and it’s been over a month. I don’t want the future…but I want right now. I think I just defined codependency.

    • judgybitch March 6, 2014 at 21:32 #

      Wow. That’s one hell of a story, and exactly why I caution men to stay away.

      You will get burned.

      Your heart will be on the line.

      It will hurt.

      It will end poorly.

      I’m sorry you went through all that and I hope you feel better soon.

  6. Anna Di Paolo Liberatore March 25, 2014 at 14:28 #

    IMO it’s not about your not new uterus. IT’s about your kid and all the baggage that entails. (that tells me right there you don’t understand it) I don’t think you are doomed to never have another relationship. To be honest, I tell my son, don’t marry a woman with kids. It’s not because you are bad or your kid is bad or because you are used, it’s just all the baggage of that kid’s other dad and that kid’s other grandparents and all those complications. IMO you should look for someone that maybe has a kid also, that way you can put up with each other’s stuff. It’s not really fair to shove all that on someone who really doesn’t understand it, and that’s a single man with no kids.

    • Taylor March 25, 2014 at 23:31 #

      And since the divorce rate is so high. Your son has a chance to become a single man with kids if he has kids with his future wife. Chris and Gwen just separated after 10 years of marriage. If they decide to end their marriage for good, then they will be single folks with kids.

      • Lucy March 26, 2014 at 17:36 #

        For now, I want him to have the best chance of success(defined as not getting a divorce), and that’s to not marry a woman with kids. Hollywood people aren’t the best example. So now,if what’s her face movie star remarries, she should look for someone with kids, IMO not a single man. That way they can understand and put up with each other’s crap.

  7. ktmick March 29, 2014 at 03:18 #

    I don’t think it’s right to judge like this. It’s good though to try to keep in perspective that people’s bad choices are warning flags. Yet it is entirely possible that a nice person made a mistake when they were younger by copulating with some guy and decided to have the courage to raise the kid alone. I think you’ll learn more about the person’s values by having conversations with them than judging them by their statistic as a single mother. Personally, I’d rather live more freely being childless and have played it smart. I also believe in not bringing a child into the world in a bad situation, as I have since I was young and so I never put myself in danger of this. But each to his/her own. Some people are not as anal as others and have more fun.

  8. Robyn April 5, 2014 at 02:18 #

    I was a divorced mom of two. And I agree with JB, I own my own part in my marriage. My husband was an angry and abusive man, but I stayed with him for five years after he broke my nose. I convinced myself it was for my kids, but ya know what, I think it was for fear of failing, fear of doing it on my own, and I’d rather endure a dysfunctional and really scary marriage than be alone.

    After I divorced him, I refused to date. That was a promise I made to myself. That if I was going to go it alone, I was going to DO IT alone. My ex did get himself into counseling, and he has always been a great father to our two sons, and over the years a good friend to me too.

    I have been remarried for six years now. And it’s a funny story too, my husband had to pursue me pretty hard. I was not OPEN to a relationship, not one bit. It took him a NY minute or two, and acquiring my number from a mutual friend, hell let’s face it, he fucking stole that phone number!

    So, I agree with you absolutely, be wary of a woman that blames everything on their ex, even if they were abused. I never blamed everything on my ex, I took my fair share of being too weak to do anything but endure it, I was scared of being alone.

    But, if a divorced woman, when she tells you her story, tells the entire story, it’s probably because she did what I did, took control of her life, knew that she had to be alone and out of any sort of relationship and dating for long enough to be independent and a better, stronger person than she was before the divorce. That’s a pretty tough thing for any human being to do, to not play the victim, but overcome the entire issue, to include seeing the angry, abusive ex as a broken person as well. My ex had a bad childhood, and he was way too immature emotionally to deal with life. Thus the abuse and the anger. It wasn’t necessarily me, or our life, but his own fears of losing control because he had no control before.

    I married a single father the second time around. Oh boy! That has been a toughie too. Because my hubby was more of a friend to his son than a parent. Overcompensating for an ex GF that was and still is a deadbeat drug addled wench.

    But, that’s for your other blog. Because single dad’s come with some serious issues of their own, that are their own faults, well meaning ones, but they create monsterous situations! All is well with us six years later, but it wasn’t all rosy in the beginning that’s for sure!

  9. concerned_friend April 8, 2014 at 03:50 #

    Obviously this article is generalizing. My father suffered brain damage after an accident and as a result hurt my mother on several occasions. Even then she stayed with him trying to get him through it, until one day he did it to my brother and she had no choice but to divorced him. However I know that women like her are the exceptions that prove the rule.

    Here is just just one example of a crazy single mother I know. In the last year years my best friend has been desperate to find a husband because her biological clock is ticking. However she is domineering bitch to her boyfriends and couldn’t keep one very long. When it was clear that her last hope was going to break it off, she gave up and decided to try donor insemination. should point out that she worked a minimum wage jobs with little hope of promotion, I tired to tell her it would be reckless to bring a child into world under such conditions, but she was having none of it. Of course she started the processes while she was still dating the guy and after they broke up she found out she was pregnant. Now the poor guy is stuck paying child support for a child that might not be his/he didn’t want with a person he hates. She said she will never till him about the insemination and if one day he wants to have custody she will fight tooth and nail against it. And all I can think of not is that this is the mentality of someone who ends of a single mother…

  10. Lean Back April 9, 2014 at 18:10 #

    TG44, single parents of either sex who are open to dating and especially “sexual” are HUGE RED FLAGS. Here’s why. A person who’s children are still dependent on the should be giving every moment outside of their job to their children. They should not be dividing their time, energy, focus, money and emotions amongst several people. Everything should be poured into their dependent children. It is child neglect not to do so. A single parent who openly expresses a “sexual” nature is shameful. Masturbation can quickly take care of those needs.

    All of the things that attracted you to this woman are the very red flags you should have avoided. While you list her dysfunctional choices in baby daddies and other areas of her life as “red flags” you cite her looks and sexual nature as positive things. That’s where you made a mistake. A single parent really shouldn’t look great (outside of a naturally occurring beauty such as facial symmetry). Any single parent who spends money on “looking hot”, and this includes gym membership for the dads as well as makeup and what-not for the moms, is spending money that should be going to their children on themselves in hopes of attracting someone so they can spend time away from their kids.

    Its just plain wrong.

    The only exceptions might be widowed and widowered single parents with infants who are in need of another parent to help them raise their tiny babies.

    Outside of that small minority, single parents need to buckle down and pour everything they’ve got into their damn kids!


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