Dating single fathers? Just say YES! A note for all the single ladies.

4 Apr



My just say no to dating single mothers post remains one of the most popular on this blog, with over 50K views and 3K+ Facebook shares.  I probably trash about 75% of the comments that post generates, since they all tend to be along the lines of “oh my god you’re so judgy and such a bitch and even though other single mothers are total slags like you say, I’m not and you should just die already”.  Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.  It always amuses me when commenters get outraged at what a judgy bitch I am.  Uhm, you clicked on a website called JudgyBitch!  What the fuck were you expecting?


Another frequent comment I get is “oh yeah, well what about all the single dads?  What about them, huh?”, so let’s talk about them.


Single fathers have all the virtues single mothers do not, and they should definitely be on your radar screen if you are looking for some solid, husband material.  Let’s talk about why.


First and foremost, every single mother chooses parenthood, as she is legally entitled to do.  Facing a positive pregnancy test, she has the option of evicting Junior from her womb long before any need to buy itty bitty shoes arises.  And even after Junior arrives, she still has at least two options in front of her:  She can refuse to identify the father and place the child for adoption, or she can surrender the child under safe haven laws and walk away from all financial, social, legal and ethical responsibilities.


The argument that women should be able to choose parenthood because only women get pregnant is nullified by the fact that even after a baby is born,  a woman still gets to decide if she will assume responsibility for that child.  She does not need to have any reason whatsoever for refusing that responsibility.  If she doesn’t want the baby, she doesn’t have to keep it.


Men have no such rights.  Men cannot force women to have abortions, nor should they be able to.  They cannot surrender their paternal rights.  They cannot refuse to assume responsibility for the child. They will, in fact, be imprisoned, if they cannot pay the woman whatever sum the courts have determined is appropriate. and let’s not forget that for some women, tricking a man into a pregnancy is just “normal“.


Men are not allowed to choose parenthood.


It is therefore safe to assume that a single father had fatherhood thrust upon him.  Single mothers make a conscious, deliberate choice to make the one decision most likely to guarantee their children live in poverty with little chance of escaping.  Single fathers have not made that choice because they are not legally entitled to do so.


Single fathers are the exact opposite of single mothers:  they are the embodiment of responsibility.  A man raising his children alone has assumed full responsibility for someone else’s choice (the choice to have a baby), and even if the decision to have a child was nominally mutual, in actual fact, he had no say.  Mutual agreement to have a child is merely pleasant conversation to disguise the fact that men have no reproductive choices, other than complete celibacy or permanent sterilization, choices we would never accept as the only birth control options for women.  And rightly so.


Single fathers are also a good financial bet for potential relationships because even though they bear the brunt of the cost of raising their children, they are unlikely to be paying out alimony to the mother’s child, and obviously are not paying child support.  They are unlikely to be receiving child support, either, and it behooves any women considering a single father to consider the fact that women are far more likely to be delinquent in paying child support than men are.  Don’t count on the baby mama kicking in any cash.  It’s highly improbable. And don’t count on the courts sending the woman to jail for failure to pay.  Ha!  Yeah, right. Even without support from the other parent, single fathers still tend not to be poor because they have made entirely different life choices than single mothers.


Dating a single father is also an excellent test of a woman’s own personality.  Can you deal with the fact that a child will always supersede you in his father’s affections?  I think women who don’t have children are taken by surprise when confronted with this reality, because they don’t understand that children almost always take priority over adults and adults are expected to be mature, self-assured and accommodating of the needs of others.






You can see why this is a problem for some women.  Check out these letter to Dear Prudence, in which delightful Princesses of The Special Snowflake begrudge their partner’s love for their children.  I’m so confused about that whole wicked stepmother trope!  It’s just patriarchy, right?


Dear Prudie,  I’ll be spending New Year with my boyfriend of two and a half years. While this would normally be lovely, I’m not looking forward to it. I feel bummed out by it. We’ll be at his parent’s, which is out in the sticks and he has visitation with his daughter for the holidays first time since she was a baby. I’m conflicted. On one hand this should be about the time he spends with his daughter and she with her grandparents. On the other hand I cannot stand the way he rewards/gives in to her tantrums and end up angry and isolating myself. I’m also 27 and feeling a little resentful that for the second year in a row my New Years, which should be fun and carefree, is dictated by his family plans. Even if I did ditch them, which is essentially what I’d be doing, that also feels terrible and it’s not like I have many other friends or options. I’m not sure what to do or how to manage conflicting feelings of guilt & resentment. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.  -Conflicted.


I’ve been married for a little over a year. I met my husband several years ago when we were neighbors; he was married at the time and had a young son. He moved away, got divorced, and I didn’t see him for several years. Then we reconnected, dated, and got married very quickly. His son is now 10 and I’m having a really hard time getting to like the boy. This might sound mean, but I can’t stand him sometimes. I know he’s a child, and that he gets his bad manners from his psycho mother, but everything about him just grosses me out: the way he eats; the way his mother dresses him (like a little rapper); that he’s too lazy to even clean his room. I try so hard to hide my feelings, but my husband senses it sometimes. I take his son to buy school clothes or toys, but he can’t behave and it’s driving me insane. I really don’t know what to do, especially now that we have him every weekend. I asked my husband if he can give me “me” time at least once a month, but his excuse is that he hates leaving his son with his ex-wife. I really can’t take sharing my husband with his son. What should I do?


Ugh.  Completely horrid women.


Single fathers are clearly capable of accepting responsibilities, even when they had no say in creating those responsibilities, and they will always have priorities over and above the women they partner with.  I can imagine the snarls and contemptuous huffing coming from those women who cannot abide, for one second, that a mere child will take precedence over her, and those are just the women you want to avoid like the plague.


If you are one of those women, then steer clear of the single dads.  They really don’t need another child. But if you are looking for a man willing to commit to something greater than the sum of individual parts, and that is what marriage is, then a single father might be just the man you’re looking for.

I’m reminded of a Rita Rudner joke that I always find quite amusing:

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

We can spin it a bit and say:

“I think men who are sole parents are better prepared for marriage.  They’ve experienced powerlessness and accepted responsibility”.


Now the real question is why the hell would a single father ever want to complicate his life and open himself up to even more exploitation by taking on a wife? Or another wife?


What’s in it for him?


Until men have the legal right to choose parenthood, not much.  Just more responsibility. How fascinating that it’s mostly feminists who demand the right to choose parenthood for themselves, but refuse that right to men.



Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.

Sigmund Freud


Is that because responsibility is the natural consequence of freedom? As long as men are not free to do something as fundamental as choose parenthood, they can be forced into assuming responsibilities.  And let’s be clear, the responsibility single fathers have assumed is not for the children.


It’s for a woman’s choice.


If feminists really wanted to tackle women’s oppression, they would insist that men and women are equally free to accept or reject responsibility for their life choices. But that’s not what they want at all.  They want the right to shift the burden accountability of onto men (how oppressive!), many of whom accept that treatment willingly. Like single fathers.


Why do they accept the burden?


Because they have no choice.  And because they put the needs of their children first.


Exactly what single mothers refuse to do.


Single mothers?  Just say no.  Single fathers?  Hell, yeah!


Those are men worth working for.


Lots of love,






Why This Hit Piece On The Men’s Rights Movement Is Garbage

2 Apr

Note to readers:  In the fine tradition of Kate Harding and Amanda Marcotte, I have tried to deploy gentle, kind language in describing my reaction to this Huffington Post hit piece. 

Alas, I think I may have failed.


I need to take a moment here to talk about the Men’s Rights Movement, because there seems to be some confusion. Actually, there seems to be a whole lot of confusion.

Oh, I’ll say.  Do edumacate us, feminist genius!

Over the past little while, I’ve had a number of people challenge me on calling out men’s rights activists (hereafter referred to as MRAs).

Actually, the correct term is Men’s Human Rights Activists (MHRA) but pay no mind to them uppity negroes who wanna be called black now.  Never can please them, so don’t even try.


 “But men are oppressed too,” people say.

How do I oppress thee?  Let me count the ways….


I am allowed to choose parenthood.  You are not.  Fuck off if you don’t like it and don’t have sex, you slut. 


I can commit virtually any crime and I won’t get half the conviction rate or jail time as you, because I’m a girl and suck it, asshole.


Once I’m done with you, the children are mine.  MINE!  Did you hear me?  You have no children.  I fucked the garbage man to get these bastards, so go to hell, but drop your child support check off first, dickweed.


My breast cancer is totally way more serious than your whatever ass cancer is it you get I don’t really fucking care fuck off


Oh you had to sign your draft card when you turned 18?  Cry me a river, ballsack.  Have you even heard that the number of braids I can have in my hair is now restricted? Restricted?  If I choose to join the military, that is.  Which I could.  Oh, you are required by law to agree to join the military?  Boo fucking hoo.  I’m supposed to care about that when my HAIR-BRAIDING CHOICES HAVE BEEN LIMITED?


 “Feminism is sexist, and it teaches men that masculinity is wrong.”

This isn’t to say that men are somehow naturally inclined towards violence. It isn’t reasonable to argue that men are born angry or crazy. Masculinity, on the other hand, is something worth thinking about.


Why talking about ‘healthy masculinity’ is like talking about ‘healthy cancer’


Under the influence of toxic masculinity, the logical response to a man being forced or even encouraged to do something coded “female” is always violence.


Gee, I wonder where they get that crazy idea from?


“Straight, white men aren’t allowed to be proud of themselves anymore.” “If you believe in equality, then you should want men to have the same type of activism as women.”

Yeah!  Team equality! Why is it that women can choose parenthood, but men can’t?  Why is that?  I’m so confused.  Kanye?  Kanye and Jamie Foxx, where you at?

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years



“Everyone is entitled to their opinion.”


First of all, yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But let’s not pretend that all opinions are created equal – some are based on fact, and some are total bullshit.

Oh, like yours, for example?


Second of all, let’s get one thing straight: men, as a group, do not face systematic oppression because of their gender.

Department of Justice says fuck you, they don’t. There are far more men in jail than women and not because women don’t commit crimes.  They don’t get convicted or sentenced at the same rates.  Because vagina.


Family Law Court says fuck you, they don’t. Far more women than men are awarded primary custody of children following divorce.


Department of Education says fuck you, they don’t. There are more women earning college degrees than men.  Not in anything particularly useful, mind you, but the money that might be used to train engineers and scientists (read: men) is being used to train Starbucks employees.


Center for Medicare says fuck you, they don’t. More money goes into women’s healthcare than men’s, despite the fact that men die sooner.


The World Health Organization says fuck you, they don’t. Men’s healthcare is underfunded on a global scale in favor of women’s health.



Am I saying that literally no men out there are oppressed? No, I am for sure not saying that. Men can and do face oppression and marginalization for many reasons – because of race, class, sexuality, poverty, to name a few. Am I saying that every white cishet dude out there has an amazing life because of all his amassed privilege? Nope, I’m not saying that either. There are many circumstances that might lead to someone living a difficult life. But men do not face oppression because they are men. Misandry is not actually a thing, and pretending that it’s an oppressive force on par with or worse than misogyny is offensive, gross, and intellectually dishonest.

I’ll just leave this here.  Misandry is not a thing. Sure. Who is being intellectually dishonest here?



Protip:  it might help if you acknowledge that yes, misandry is a thing, and then you can go full on Oppression Olympics and pretend it’s just not that bad.


MRAs believe that feminists are to blame for basically everything that’s wrong with their lives.

Yeah.  Brilliant understanding of what the MHRM is all about.


It’s all about YOU cupcake!  All the MHRM thinks about is YOU.


Because duh.  What else is there to think about besides pampered white ladies who had to walk up the stairs because the goddamn escalator repairmen were doing, well, who the hell knows what, but it could not be more important than my need to avoid scuffing my JIMMY FUCKING CHOOS.

 The Men’s Rights Movement is a reactionary movement created specifically to counter feminism, and most (if not all) of their time and resources go towards silencing and marginalizing women.

Oh, you mean they’re busy silencing and marginalizing all the women prominent in the movement itself?

Karen Straughn


Erin Pizzey


Tara Palmatier


Senator Anne Cools


Barbara Kay


Alison Tieman


Those women?


Attention MRAs:  you suck at the whole silencing woman thing.  Just sayin’


They do things like starting the Don’t Be That Girl campaign, a campaign that accuses women of making false rape reports.

Something women  neeeeeeeeeeeeever do, right?


They attend feminist events in order to bully and intimidate women

Oh, like the women who refused Dr. Janice Fiamengo the opportunity to deliver her lecture on men’s issues and feminism’s double standards?

Double standards?  What double standards?


They flood online feminist spaces with threatening messages,

Sean R. Moorhead ‏@SeanRMoorhead  Mar 29

@deanesmay The difference: feminism, as a social movement of actual consequence, is justified in calling for violence.


Sean R. Moorhead ‏@SeanRMoorhead  Mar 29

@deanesmay @rhythm2x Good. MRAs deserve violence.



kill all men


And they regularly use smear campaigns and scare tactics to make the women who don’t back down afraid for their physical safety.

Regularly, huh?  Evidence?  Please show me the smear campaigns and scare tactics that were deployed to make you poor wittle cupcakes afwaid for your safety.


They do literally nothing to actually resolve the problems that they claim to care about, and instead do everything they can to discredit the feminist movement.

Uhm, you don’t actually appear to need our help in that regard. This article, for example does more to discredit you than we ever could.

There are certainly issues that disproportionately affect men – the suicide rate among men is higher, as is the rate of homelessness. Men are more likely to be injured or killed on the job or because of violence. Men who are the victims of domestic abuse or sexual assault are less likely to report these things. These are the issues that MRAs are purportedly working on, and by “working on” I mean “blaming feminism for.”

Narcissist much?  You seriously believe that the people attempting to actually have an impact on the lives of men and boys who are suffering give a fuck what you think? I know this is hard to grasp, but I’ll say it again:  not every conversation is about you.  Try and wrap your head around that, would you?


The problem is that none of these things are caused by feminism, or equal rights for women, or anything like that.

No one has ever said that feminism caused these issues.  What I will claim is that feminism A) doesn’t give a fuck, and B) actively tries to prevent remedies from being enacted.  Consider the issue of assumed shared parenting.  The National Organization for Women has a policy statement opposing this idea because it might affect women’s ability to rape the wallets of their children’s father.


NOW also refuses to condemn women who deliberately poison their children against their fathers.


As a survivor of parental alienation, that one rankles in particular.


 You know what’s actually to blame for a lot of these issues? Marginalizing forces like class and race, for one thing – I mean, it’s not rich white men who are grappling with homelessness or dangerous workplaces or gun violence.

Again, it’s not about blame, it’s about remedies.  Who really cares why these issues exist.  What are you going to do about them?  That’s the real question.  And are you standing in the way of solutions or helping to realize them?

You know what else is to blame? Our patriarchal culture and its strictly enforced gender roles which, hey, happens to be exactly the same power structure that feminism is trying to take down.

Oh please.  Not this tired old argument again.  How is it that on the one hand you can acknowledge that men are more likely to be homeless and commit suicide and on the other hand, insist that men are in charge of some giant power structure they created and wield for their own benefits? At what point does the cognitive dissonance set in for you?  If men controlled the “power structure” do you really think they would use it to increase their own suffering? What the fuck is wrong with you, anyways?


The patriarchy has some fucked up ideas about masculinity, ideas that make men less likely to seek help for issues that they perceive to be too feminine – such as being hurt or raped by a female partner, not being able to provide for themselves, or not seeking help for health issues like depression and anxiety.

Uhm, no.  Not really.  It’s just that men know very well there are no resources available for them and they are conditioned by women to believe they need to suck it up and just be obedient little wage-earners happily handing over their cash every payday.


On a societal level, it means that resources are not as readily available for men who face these challenges, because patriarchal ideas tell our courts, our governments and our charitable organizations that men don’t ever need that kind of help.

Patriarchy tells men that???!?!?!?  No darling, feminists tell men that.


 Yes, the patriarchy overwhelmingly privileges the interests of men, but it also hurts men. It hurts men in all the ways that MRAs are apparently so concerned about, which means that you would think that MRAs would be totally on board with dismantling the patriarchy, but they’re not. Instead, they would rather blame women for their problems.

Do not conflate woman with feminist.  Feminism is an ideological mindset, and one that many, many women do not share.  MRAs do not concern themselves with “dismantling the patriarchy” because it doesn’t exist.  This a deliberate misrepresentation of what MRAs actually do:  criticizing feminists is not the same thing as blaming women, and no matter how many times you scream that it is, it isn’t.


See, the problem with the Men’s Rights Movement is that they are not doing anything concrete to resolve any of the above issues.

Gosh, I thought the problem was that they weren’t dismantling the patriarchy.  So if the MRA actually was demonstrably moving towards legal challenges aimed at resolving issues like unequal healthcare funding or discriminatory sentencing or fair child custody, then you would be on board?  Well guess what?  It’s happening and nothing you can do will stop it.


They are not raising money to open shelters for homeless or abused men.


They are not starting up suicide hotlines for men.


They are not lobbying for safer workplaces or gun control.

Wrong on the workplace issue and what the fuck does gun control have to do with anything?


Instead, they are crying about feminism, pooh-poohing the idea of patriarchy and generally making the world a sadder, scarier, less safe place to live in.

Sadder, scarier and less safe for whom?  Little boys drugged out of their minds on Ritalin?  Boys in juvenile facilities being raped with impunity by female guards because they must have liked it? Boys who commit suicide when they are faced with a lifetime on a sex offender registry for a high school prank?  Those ones?  They are sad and scared and less safe?

Fuck you.


In fact, I would argue that their stupid antics are actually a detriment to the causes that they claim to espouse, because they’re creating an association between actual real issues that men face and their disgusting buffoonery. So good fucking job, MRAs. Way to fuck vulnerable men over in your quest to prove that feminism is evil. I hope you’re all really proud of yourselves.

Oh, I think this article and your incredible compassion is all that feminism needs to look evil.

The Men’s Rights Movement is not “feminism for men.”

Holy fuck, no!  Whatever made you think that?


It’s not some kind of complimentary activism meant to help promote equal treatment of men and women.

Complimentary.  Complementary.  Learn the difference. It’s activism, but by no means is it complementary.  Or complimentary.  But it most certainly is concerned with equality.  It’s mostly feminists who oppose true equality.  Gee, I wonder why?


And it most certainly fucking is not friendly towards women, unless we’re talking about women with crippling cases of internalized misogyny.

Yes, that must be it.  We’re not wives or mothers or sisters or nieces or aunts or simply thinking, capable, rational human beings with the ability to make our own decisions and choices.

We’re crippled.

Wait, that’s kind of a shitty, able-ist thing to say, isn’t it?


I believe in equality for men and women, but I also believe that we’re not born with an even playing field.

Nope.  You get to keep the labia you were born with, for example.


Women still face disenfranchisement, discrimination and a lack of basic freedoms and rights, and although feminism has done a lot of great work over the last century or so, we still haven’t undone several millennia’s worth of social programming and oppression.

The largest group of disenfranchised citizens are those with felony convictions.  Almost all of whom are men.  Black men, specifically. Actual, literal life and death discrimination accrues only to men, who must sign a draft card at the age of 18 that literally means they can be killed in any action the state deems worthy.

So that’s why it’s not “men’s turn” to have a social justice movement.

Except that all your examples are wrong.

That’s why we have the fem in feminism. That’s why fairness and equality involve promoting the empowerment of women, rather than promoting the empowerment of both genders in equal amounts. Because, to use a stupid analogy here, if one person starts out with no apples and another person starts out with five apples and then you give them both three apples each in the name of fairness, one person still has five more fucking apples.

Wow, that really is a stupid analogy.

So yes, let’s talk about issues that affect men. Let’s come up with solutions for problems that disproportionately hurt men, like suicide and homelessness and violent deaths (while at the same time recognizing that the fact that there are issues that affect more men than women does not mean that men are oppressed because of their gender).

Well, what does it mean, then?  I’m really curious.  Schools are designed not just to make sure girls succeed, but to ensure that boys suffer.  If that is not oppression, then pray tell, what is?


Let’s work on opening up shelters for abused men, let’s create campaigns bringing awareness to the fact that men are also the victims of rape, and let’s pressure the government to improve workplace safety. But let’s find a way to do this that’s not at the expense of women. Instead, let’s join together and fuck up the patriarchy real good, because that way everyone wins.

None of those things will come at the expense of women.  They will come at the expense of privileged, moany, whiny, pampered feminists whose main problems involve being allowed to show their tits in a courtroom, wear snatch-hugging leggings to school and sulking because they don’t know how to ask for a raise and likely haven’t done anything to deserve one anyways.

Yeah, you bitches will not like an equal world. The rest of us are eager to see true equality come about because as long as some of us are not fully human, then none of us are.



p.s. If you actually think that straight white men aren’t encouraged to be “proud” of themselves you need to check your privilege a million times over and then check it some more because seriously

Hey, good idea.  Why don’t you do just that?


Check your privilege.


Oh, and get the fuck out of our way.


Your time is up.


Lots of love,









Middle school boys picket for the right to show off their package

1 Apr





Middle-school boys in Evanston, Ill., are picketing for the right to wear leggings. Steven Hasty, 13, told the Evanston Review that teachers at Haven Middle School informed male students this month that leggings are “too distracting to girls” to be fit for the classroom. How absurd.  Really, what’s distracting about them?






Hasty, along with 500 students who’ve signed a petition contesting the rule, counter that the only thing leggings are responsible for is the supreme comfort of those who wear them. Last week, student protesters reported to class clad in leggings or yoga pants, holding signs like, “Are my pants lowering your test scores?”




The boys’ cause is about much more than the right to bear L’eggs. By emphasizing the disruptive consequences of leggings, administrators are attempting to fix girls’ juvenile behavior by placing an unfair burden on the boys who are supposedly distracting them. (As Hasty put it: “Not being able to wear leggings because it’s ‘too distracting for girls’ is giving us the impression we should be guilty for what girls do.”) The result is that the school is actually preventing these boys from focusing on their schoolwork by asking them to pay more attention to their own bodies.



School administrators have told parents that “if leggings are worn, a shirt, shorts, or kilt worn over them must be fingertip length,” but some boys say they’re being told they’re not allowed to wear leggings at all. And according to Juliet Bond, a parent of a student at Haven, the “students who were getting ‘dress-coded,’ or disciplined for their attire, tended to be boys who were more developed.”



That “inconsistent enforcement simply makes boys embarrassed,” she says. Luke Shapiro, a 12-year-old seventh grader at the school, backed up this claim, telling the Evanston Review that “when both he and a friend were wearing the same type of athletic shorts … a teacher came up and ‘dress-coded’ his, but not his friend” because, he was told, “I had a different body type than my friend.” Added Shapiro: “With all the social expectations of being a boy, it’s already hard enough to pick an outfit without adding in the dress code factor.”




Are leggings a human right? In 1969, the Supreme Court decided that while schools can’t ban students from wearing political messages on their sleeves—like black armbands donned to protest the Vietnam War—that ban didn’t extend to a school’s “regulation of the length of kilts or the type of clothing” worn by students. Schools can still impose dress codes on items that would reasonably “cause substantial disruption or material interference with school activities.”



But there’s a fine line between deeming a type of clothing as distracting, and declaring a body itself to be disruptive. And if girls are really spending too much time staring at leggings (or legs) instead of at the chalkboard, then that’s a behavior that girls should learn to regulate before they’re accused of sexual harassment once they graduate to the workforce.



According to school and district administrators, the dress code will be rehashed at a meeting later this month “in an effort to ensure consistency in terms of guidelines and enforcement across schools.” I hope they’ll listen to the arguments of leggings activists like Hasty. If the school seeks to uphold the rule, they should really have to answer the protestors’ question: Has any girl actually been academically impacted by the way her classmate covers his legs?


And if this is appropriate attire for school:




Then why the hell isn’t this?



Fair is fair, no?


Lots of love,




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