When I first wrote my post How To Pick a Wife, I failed to take into consideration the very real, and potentially devastating legal environment that marriage occurs within. Devastating for men, that is. Marriage is, and remains, the sweetest gig a woman can possibly get, which is the primary driver, I think, behind the MGTOW wars. MGTOW men hate marriage, because it is just so damned unfair to men, given the current environment. Changing that environment is one of the principle aims of the MRM, and one that will happen, although it will take time.
In the meanwhile, for humans who are deeply drawn to pair-bonding (and that’s most of us), here is an updated list of how to pick a wife, aka mitigating risk factors. Many men will never marry, until reproductive, marriage and divorce laws become fair, and that’s a rational response to an irrational bias towards women and against men. I intend no shame towards those men who reject marriage and women outright, although that is obviously not a strategy that is going to work in the long-term. It’s nihilism.
There are ways to make marriage safer. And even bringing these topics up for discussion will let you know very quickly just what your beloved has on her mind. A day for a Princess or a life for a Queen?
- Ask her about circumcision
Prepare for a great deal of ignorance, because many women (and men) have given this zero thought at all. A woman who is instinctively repulsed by the thought of harming a child in this way gets one gold star. A woman who declares that a mutilated penis pleases her sense of aesthetics should immediately be shown the door. A woman who mistakenly believes genital mutilation is about sanitation and health is merely ignorant. She should be given an opportunity to learn and demonstrate her compassion for infant boys. Not caring about hurting babies is a deal-breaker, IMO.
- Find out her thoughts on abortion
This is obviously deeply personal and complicated. I’m not even sure what I think about abortion, but I have never faced needing one. My chain of thought at the moment is that at some point that little clump of cells divides to the point that a person exists.
There is a difference between this:
A tiny little brain becomes active, even at a primitive level, and an “I” exists. I would like to see us be able to detect that using prenatal imaging, at which point I am very comfortable banning all abortion for any reason. That is no longer your body, and no longer your choice.
Whatever your personal feelings about abortion, you will be able to deduce a lot from a woman based on her opinions. You can’t legally prevent a woman from aborting your child, so if that’s a deal-breaker for you, you need to find out sooner than later.
- Never trust her with birth control
Sorry, just don’t. You are legally fucked if you do. There is no way around that except to take control of birth control yourself.
An exception might be if she has an implantable birth control device because you can physically feel that under her skin. You buy (or acquire) the condoms yourself, and you never let her touch one.
When I was writing this post about birth control sabotage, I poked well over 40 holes in a condom, right through the package. Neither me nor my husband could detect a single one, not even in bright light. Try it yourself.
She never touches the condom. Never leave a used one anywhere she can get it. You will be held legally responsible if she is able to impregnate herself with a used condom. Calculate the value of child support based on your income over the course of 18 years. Think of your used condom as a little pile of cash for that exact amount. Would you leave that cash out where she can get it?
Have emergency birth control on hand. If a condom breaks and she refuses to take it: pray. That is your only option. No matter what happens, never legally marry a woman who refuses to involve you in her reproductive decisions.
- How do you want to raise children, if you want them?
My husband I both wanted our children raised at home and we were explicit about that pretty much from day one. We met in MBA school and I agreed to shelve my career ambitions (which I honestly had few of to begin with) to make that possible. It’s a personal decision, but if you are both not on the same page, you need to know that up front. Ultimately, you will have to use your judgement, since she can renege on her side of the bargain, any damn time she likes.
- Sign a prenuptial
A woman who balks at a fair prenuptial is, to quote Taylor Swift, a nightmare dressed as a daydream. Prenuptials should include:
- A financial settlement that reflects what you have both put in to the marriage
- Child custody arrangements
- Division of assets based on your mutual earnings
You should only consider getting married in a state where your prenuptial will be enforceable.
I can imagine most women reacting to these conditions:
When you find one willing to consider why these are of vital importance to men, a woman who understands she has a loaded gun and is willing to give you the bullets, that is a woman worth considering.
Many of you will read this list and say oh hell no, and that’s a valid response. For those men who do long for a mutually beneficial marriage that lasts for the long term, or in the alternative, isn’t completely life-destroying, these are vital considerations.
How to choose a wife? With your eyes open and your armor on. It doesn’t guarantee you victory, but it helps prevent the most grievous injuries.
Sad, when war has become an appropriate metaphor for marriage.
Determination won’t matter much. But preparation will.
Most of all, be prepared for a lot of women calling you a misogynist for caring about fairness and equality.
Par for the course, I’m afraid.
Lots of love,