SOME IMAGES ARE A BIT RACY – POSSIBLY NSFW
Following Suzanne Moore’s excellent and very informative article for men on how to manage their penises, published in the Guardian, I thought I would do all the ladies a favor and offer some suggestions on how to manage their vaginas.
This is Suzanne, by the way.
Let’s recap Suzanne’s article quickly. The very definition of delightful, no?
How to Manage Your Penis
1. Don’t take pictures of your penis and don’t share them
2. Wash your filthy penis, please
3. Do not use small appliances on your penis
4. Do not urinate in public. Gross!
5. Don’t forget not to rape anybody with your penis
6. Do not name your penis
7. Do not share your penis with other men
8. Do not decorate your penis
9. Do not attempt to change the natural shape of your penis
10. Do not mistake your penis for your brain
Excellent advice, Suzanne. You really have a handle on the psychology of the average male. The love just shines through! A rainbow of affection for a dreary day!
How unfair of you to leave the ladies out, though. Surely, some vagina love is in order, to complement this Ode to LoveRockets?
Let me help you out. Here are Ten Rules to Manage Your Vagina.
1. Don’t take pictures of your vagina and don’t share them
And if you plan to ignore this excellent advice, try to find out whether the recipient of your largess would care to see your vagina in the first place. Don’t be this girl, sexting members of her high school lacrosse team, who didn’t particularly care to go visually spelunking through the lady cave of their friend, and had her, oops! Expelled!
See? Bad things can happen if you sext your muffin to guys who have already had lunch, thanks.
Never worry, though. You have Feminists™ to come to your defence and wonder why the BOYS didn’t get expelled for failing to worship the Kodak Yoni.
Ha ha! Silly vagina owner. Not everyone wants to see it. Keep in it your Calvin Kleins.
Oh, oops. My bad. She only sent pictures of her boobies. No naughtybit shots. Well, let’s try this one, then. Let’s try all of these!
You see, ladies, when you take explicit pictures of your naked body and send them to people, they are no longer your private property, and if you happen to go full bore cunt on the lucky recipient, plan on seeing your bits plastered far and wide on the internet.
Oh, boo hoo. You want to shame, humiliate, mock, deride and snicker at MEN who have made the mistake of sharing their XXX camera roll, but when it happens to YOU, that’s a felony?
Pot, let me introduce you to kettle.
There is one surefire way for BOTH men and women to ensure they are not publicly exposed by their own selfies – don’t take them. If you can’t abide that, then accept you are taking a risk. YOU took the shot! YOU pressed send.
And you will face whatever consequences there are as a result of YOUR own decisions. Welcome to being a grown-up.
2. Wash your filthy vagina, please
Sweaty, bloody, occasionally yeasty, and dripping wet when aroused – ladies, please take some steps to keep your vagina clean. You know, a daily shower should do it. A bit of hygiene after a loo run.
You know, Suzanne, this is just gross. Any attempt to make genitals seem dirty and filthy by the simple act of being genitals reeks of some pretty serious psychological disturbance, to me. There is even a name for it – a bunch of names, actually.
Phallophobia is the abnormal and persistent fear of a penis, especially if it’s erect. Those who suffer from this phobia are afraid to look at or touch a penis. This even includes pictures of penises. Phallophobia is similar to Medorthophobia, the fear of an erect penis and Ithyphallophobia, the fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
A phobia is a strong, persistent fear of situations, objects, activities or persons. The main symptom is an excessive and unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. Other phobia symptoms include shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea, and an overall feeling of dread. Phobias are the most common form of anxiety disorders.
Now, spiders I can understand. Spiders are terrible. Really, really awful.
I really think you need to look into whatever is causing you to believe male genitals are dirty, Suzanne. It’s kind of not very normal.
3. Do not use small appliances on your vagina
Especially not any of these small appliances!
Holy Joy Nazi! Welcome to Suzanne’s world. The Mayor of NoFunsVille herself. I think Suzanne should begin an immediate program of applying a LOT of small appliances to her vagina. Okay, technically, not her vagina. But let’s not get fussed. It’s in the ballpark. She’ll figure it out. She might feel a lot better, too.
4. Do not urinate in public. Gross!
5. Don’t forget not to rape anybody with your vagina
And while you’re at it, try to remember not to accuse people of raping you with their penis when that isn’t true. It’s a very nasty thing to do. And after you do it, oh, eleven times or so, you might even go to jail. I guess the message is that ONE or TWO accusations is okay, but don’t get carried away with it.
Now, now. Don’t get hysterical. I’m not saying NO false accusations. Moderation, ladies! Just a little restraint.
6. Do not name your vagina
Enough with the “Ladybits” and “Pandora’s Box” and “Honeypot” nonsense. Vagina. There is nothing wrong with the word vagina. Needing to name your “Midnight Garden” is just immature and off-putting.
Grow up fellow “Yorkshire Pudding” owners!
7. Do not share your vagina with other women
Uhm, I don’t even know what to do with this one. Throw in homophobia as a bit of satire? For what purpose? To highlight the fact that Suzanne’s entire article is a steaming pile of hateful bile?
Well, okay. I personally don’t care who you issue entrance passes to, but we can play along.
No dykes! No sharing your vagina with other women!
8. Do not decorate your vagina
No grooming! And vajazzling? Forget it. No piercing, tattooing or accessorizing.
9. Do not attempt to change the natural shape of your vagina
Obviously, actual mutilation during childhood is utterly forbidden. For vaginas. Penises we don’t care much about. Mutilating baby boys is okie-dokie, but once that initial butchery is done, never, ever try any other enhancements.
Ladies, stop doing those Kegels this instant. Nobody cares about a tight vagina anyways. And no post-birth reconstructive surgeries, either. No rejuvenations! Fourth degree tearing during a particularly tough labor? Too bad!
10. Do not mistake your vagina for your brain
This will be the tough one. Stop thinking with your crotches, ladies. There is more to life than cultivating your LadyGarden. More to your existence than ploughing the fields and planting seeds. Of course, if you forgo planting, you will probably starve, but that’s neither here nor there.
Ladies, you need to think with your heads, not your ovaries! Just think where we could be as a human species if more women focused on their education and careers and contributions than on the occupational status of their wombs.
More Barista of Arts, summa cum latte!
More elderly women alone with no one to care for them!
More of everything we need, no?
In a way, Suzanne’s article is very instructive. The denigration of men and their filthy, rapey minds and penises used to be rather subtle. A little unpacking was in order. That is no longer true. If you look at the comments at the Guardian, even average readers seem to be able to detect the scent of desperation. The rhetoric against men is escalating because the fog is slowly lifting.
How much longer will the Guardian, and other news sources be able to get away with this campaign? Yesterday’s discussion was kind of interesting. Is critiquing Cathy Young fair? Does she have a legitimate complaint that the rhetoric of those who speak out in favor of human rights for everyone is just a bit too aggressive, crass, brash, antagonistic?
Complaining about dirty penises in a national newspaper hardly fits the bill for polite, civil conversation, if you ask me.
Maybe we are a bit crass. A bit belligerent. A bit over the top. So what?
We were told our campaign wasn’t sufficiently slick. We regard that as a compliment.
Fuck all the slick campaigns. Dirty fights are dirty.
And there’s nothing wrong with getting a little dirty now and then.
Lots of love,