Ladies, you can wear anything you like. Except yoga pants. And quit with the thongs, you porny whores!

27 Mar

Hey, remember this?  It’s Amanda Marcotte (Again! Sheesh!) arguing that it’s perfectly fine for girls to go to school in skirts so short their underwear is visible, and if boys find that distracting, well screw them!

http://judgybitch.com/2013/02/16/schrodingers-slut-or-why-it-matters-what-you-wear/

Ladies can wear whatever they please, whenever they please! Oh, except for all you ladies wearing yoga pants and thongs.  You whores can go and get changed right now!

            yoga

It’s no surprise that much of the press is having a bit of fun with the story about Lululemon recalling a bunch of wildly overpriced yoga pants because you can see everything the good Lord gave yuppie housewives when they bend over in them.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/03/25/lululemon_s_see_through_pants_reveal_how_many_women_wear_thongs_to_exercise.html

lulu

Okay, first of all, Lululemon yoga pants are frigging awesome and they are not overpriced.  My $100 underwonders have lasted ten years and they are still going strong. That works out to $10/year for workout gear, which is incredibly reasonable.

Secondly, yuppie housewives?  Really?  Because the only people who do yoga are yuppie housewives?  I guess that explains the popularity of weekend and evening classes at most studios.

It’s not really the yuppie housewives or even the sheerness of the yoga pants that gets Amanda’s panties in a knot:  it’s the other ladies panties that concern her:

What kind of sexualized hell are these poor women living in that they can’t even give up porn-compliant underwear in order to keep their bodies lean and toned for future thong-wearing situations? I was under the impression that yoga was supposed to be a healthful activity, and yet here women are, contorting their bodies in a strap of fabric made to respond by straining painfully at your most sensitive bits. Yoga is supposed to be relaxing, and not reminiscent of a visit to the proctologist.

Amanda, honey, your thong is too small.  I know, I know.  But it happens.  Sometimes ladies asses get BIGGER, especially if they’re not too fond of exercise, and then you need to get panties that are a bit bigger, too.  I’m not sure what you’re doing if your thong ends up so far up your ass you’re reminded of a visit to the proctologist, but whatever it is, you’re doing it wrong.

This could explain a lot of Amanda’s previous articles, no?

wedgie

It’s interesting that she thinks women wear thongs to be porn compliant and are therefore living in a sexualized hell.  There are a number of reasons a woman might choose to wear a thong, and I’m thinking that being ready to strip off at a moment’s notice and shoot a porn video isn’t one of them.  I personally, don’t run into many porn sets in the grocery store, but maybe I’m just not looking hard enough?

grocery

I have a confession to make:  as far as the ladies be loving fashion truism goes, I’m a big fail.  I have pretty much zero interest in fashion, and I hate shopping for clothes.  In our house, we have three relatively large closets and Mr. JB has claimed ALL of them.

closet

He loves his clothes and he is very fussy about them, too.  They are sorted and organized by season and occasion and there are probably a whole bunch of other variables that I don’t understand in the system.  He manages his clothing, so it’s all good for me.

I keep my clothes on a shelf in the laundry room- what in the hell is the point of dragging clothes around the house to rest in drawers?  On any given day you will find me either in a plaid shirt and jeans, or in yoga pants and a t-shirt.

plaid

There are only two items of clothing that I really care about and that I demand complete and total comfort from:  my footwear and my underwear.

ugg

These are my favorite boots:  they were expensive as hell and I absolutely love them.  I simply refuse to wear anything on my feet that is not comfortable.  No heels, ever.  Fuck that.  I don’t care how sexy they are – they hurt!

This is my favorite underwear: this shit is also pretty expensive, although Mr. JB likes shopping for it!

thong

That is the Lacie Thong from Victoria’s Secret and it is the most comfortable underwear I have ever worn.  I have some other undies from VS that offer more coverage, and which pair I choose has a lot to do with whether it’s a jeans or yoga pants day.  Mostly, I’m trying to avoid this:

vpl

Because ewww.  It’s ugly and gross.

My guess is that most of the ladies wearing thongs under their yoga pants are also trying to avoid the visible panty line problem.  They’re not living in a sexualized hell trying to be porn compliant.  That is just stupid.  A proper thong that fits is a very comfortable item of clothing.

Here’s an idea for women who really are this worried about having visible panty lines under your yoga pants: Don’t wear underwear. It’s not like flies or ants are going to get in there if you don’t seal it off tightly.

Don’t wear underwear.  Good suggestion.  It’s always super comfortable to have seams rubbing against bare flesh.  Something tells me Amanda has never done yoga, and certainly not commando.

And that is some pretty disturbing imagery. Flies and ants crawling in vaginas evokes the image of a decaying corpse fairly strongly.  What is it about yoga pants and thongs that has Amanda turning her mind to such macabre thoughts?

dead

Here is my theory:  Amanda hates, absolutely hates that women continue to move through the world as if other people exist.  They parade their bodies in expensive, flattering clothing, and choose underwear based not just on their own comfort, but also to avoid looking awkward or unattractive.

Unattractive to whom?  Well, for most women, who are heterosexual, that would be men.  Feminism has railed for years that women need men like fish need bicycles, but it just can’t seem to effectively address the reality that women may not need men, but that doesn’t stop women from wanting men. Feminists are absolutely correct to target yuppie housewives as a dire threat to their decaying  ideology.

housewife

We are.  We are dependent on men, and we reward our men for their dedication and loyalty by staying fit and attractive and strong. We are walking advertisements that men are not the dangerous, abusive, exploitive creatures they are painted as.  We are testimonials to the enduring idea of love.

But we are only one side of the equation.  I absolutely believe that younger women are beginning to see that feminism and an entire generation of older women has peddled them some nasty lies.  Turns out that fish absolutely need bicycles, and it’s awfully hard to catch fish without bait.

Look at this article at Jezebel, discussing what the word “curvy” means in relation to a woman’s body.  Jezebel thinks all women have curves, and that it’s fine to use the word “curvy” to describe “fat” in a more socially appropriate way.  But curvy doesn’t mean fat.  It’s a reference to a woman’s waist-to-hip ratio, which predicts fairly accurately, across all cultures, whether men find them attractive or not.

kate

http://jezebel.com/5967930/every-single-woman-in-america-is-now-curvy-+-and-thats-a-good-thing

Biology. Always. Wins.

crossroads

We are at a crossroads in our culture right now, I think.  Women are beginning to understand that feminism has destroyed the relationship between men and women by asserting the supremacy of the female and insisting that masculinity is dangerous and threatening and must be eradicated, leading women to fear and hate men (who act like men).

Restoring the balance between the masculine and the feminine will not be easy, though.  Feminism has given women some undeniable advantages and it’s hard to give up privileges once you have them.  That’s just human nature. But we’ve done it before, as a culture, and we can do it again.

Ladies in thongs and yoga pants are part of the vanguard movement:  by asserting their femininity, they make room for masculinity, whether intentionally or not. Yuppie housewives, dependent on men, raising their own children and keeping their asses toned and lean are advertisements that men CAN be depended upon, and CAN be trusted, and that the price to be dependent is actually rather easy to pay.

Now we just need to reassure men that women are worth trusting again, too.  The only way to do that is by actually being trustworthy.  It starts by demonstrating that you care about the other people who inhabit the world with you.

pants

Don’t subject them to your panty lines when you’re wearing yoga pants.  For the love of god, wear a thong!

Lots of love,

JB

46 Responses to “Ladies, you can wear anything you like. Except yoga pants. And quit with the thongs, you porny whores!”

  1. jonandsol April 23, 2014 at 20:17 #

    This article was absolute genius, Judgy.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Fan(girl) Friday: Yoga Pant Love | This is Why we Can't Have Nice Things - April 19, 2013

    […] First, Kristina Matisic gets pretty angry about tight pant varieties.  She calls out tight pant wearers and demands that we follow a few of her rules if we wish to wear such pants in public.  A lovely girl named Rachel has written us yoga pant wearers an open letter where she also gives some criteria about socially sanctioned yoga pants.  She also calls yoga pants “glorified sweatpants”.  Debate that amongst yourselves.  To conclude the negatory-on-yoga-pants side, I read a descriptive post by Judgy Bitch, and well, you know.  You can probably guess what she had to say. […]

  2. Should a woman in a bikini expect to be taken seriously? No, dipshit. She should not. Neither should a man in a thong. | judgybitch - August 22, 2013

    […] http://judgybitch.com/2013/03/27/%EF%BB%BFladies-you-can-wear-anything-you-like-except-yoga-pants-an… […]

  3. It’s not advanced math and rigorous training that keeps women out of STEM. It’s sexist shirts. Watch feminists break the stupid meter. | judgybitch - November 14, 2014

    […] who wear yoga pants are promoting rape […]

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