All that ass-fucking seems to have gone to my head, because today I am a man, and I am going to respond to this cupcake and tell her what I want in a wife. Cupcake, you see, has written out a detailed list of all the qualities she wants in a husband. Awww. How sweet!
Ungraciously, I am going to assume she did NOT create a corollary list of what she wants to BE in a wife, so I’m gonna help her out. It’s nice that you have such a detailed list, sweetie.
Here’s what it will cost you.
Qualities I love about my husband
(note: Cupcake is single)
Thinks I’m beautiful!!
My wife will reject the Beautiful Princess Rape Fantasy I’m So Ravishingly Beautiful I Deserve The Whole World bullshit Disney narrative of popular culture and be able to evaluate her own attractiveness fairly and objectively while simultaneously valuing herself for more than just beauty.
Fuck, I’m already screwed.
My wife will understand that being considerate works both ways, and she will understand that we have different definitions of what constitutes consideration. I will wipe the bathtub with my towel after I shower and she will not interrupt me when I’m playing Call of Duty.
My wife will understand that I see the world differently than she does, and that we are not going to make the same judgements and come to the same conclusions and she will accept that with grace and even possibly understand that there is some advantage to me going through the world with a bit of armor, especially when she needs to lean on me for support and strength
My wife will understand that there are different kinds of intelligence and we may not possess all types in equal measures, and that doesn’t make either of us stupid. She will probably have a bit more emotional intelligence and I will consult her on how best to respond to emotionally perplexing situations and she will understand that I am more analytical and will consult me on how to respond to analytically complex situations and together we will be one smart team!
My wife will understand that a bit of arrogance about my abilities and talents is what allows me to tackle problems and solve them, and that is likely what is going to generate my income.
Great (“innocent”) sense of humor
My wife will understand that a good dick joke is fucking hilarious and she will understand that even though our senses of humor may be different, we can still find each other funny and charming
Multi-lingual/facility to pick up languages
My wife will not be a superficial cunt who thinks speaking in more than one language is evidence for sophistication and worldliness
My wife will understand that kindness is a two-way street. I will be kind to her as long as she is kind to me. When we get pissed off at each other and say shitty things (hey, it happens), she will always assume the best of me, just as I will assume the best of her, and we will accept each other’s eventual apologies without vindictiveness or sulkiness.
My wife will understand that at the end of the day, the reason I dance with her in the kitchen and buy her flowers and ignore the cost of her hair appointments on the Visa bill (Jesus! $200! For what? You wear your hair in a ponytail most days!) is because I want to fuck her. Every day I want to fuck her. My wife will respond to my romantic gestures by fucking me, thereby guaranteeing a life filled with romance.
My life will understand that love is a synonym for accept. She will accept me completely, just as I will accept her. I will love her not despite her flaws, but because of them. Her flaws make her human, just as mine make me human. She will not try to change me, and I will not try to change her.
My wife will understand that monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing, and she will be very cautious about destroying our marriage over a little entertainment on the side. She will also understand that if she follows the romantic rule, the odds of me stepping out on her are slim to fucking none.
Loves to travel
My wife will be happy in her home, and will be able to see the world from other people’s perspectives without necessarily needing to go to the other side of the world. My wife will know that travel is a luxury and if we can afford it, we’ll do it. If not, she will get a subscription to National Geographic and be happy I’m not willing to blow our family budget on something as superfluous as “travel”.
My wife will understand that my priority will be my family. She will know that it is hard-wired into my brain to protect them and care for them and ensure their survival. I will contribute to others, according to my means only AFTER I have done that, and she will love me for that instinct.
My wife will understand that sometimes, patience is overrated. If you sit around waiting for shit to come to you, it never will. Why is patience a virtue anyways? Why can’t hurry the fuck up be a virtue?
My wife will understand that I am an emotional creature despite being a man and that I will express my emotions differently than her. She will not insist that I act like a woman and respond to situations and provocations like she will. If I’m pissed off, I will show it not by crying, but by getting on my Xbox and shooting a bunch of motherfuckers in the head.
My wife will understand that I am HER superman, and I will protect HER. I can’t save the whole damn world.
This is too fucking stupid to even address. Musically inclined? Yeah, okay. I love Eminem.
But I do know one thing though, bitches, they come they go
Saturday through Sunday, Monday, Monday through Sunday yo’
Maybe i’ll love you one day, maybe we’ll someday grow
Till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin’ runway ho’…
That work for you, Cupcake?
My wife will understand that our definitions of adventurous are likely to be a little different. She can go cruising jumble sales for bone china. I’ll be over here rock-climbing.
My wife will see me as more than just a wallet filled with cash for her fucking hair appointments! She will see me as more than just a utility to provide her with all the shit she thinks she needs, but really just wants. My wife will value me for more than the cash I can generate and she will accept that once I HAVE the money I think we need, I will have other interests in life and she will encourage and appreciate those interests.
Loves children (family oriented)
Loves children. Absolutely. And intends to raise whatever children we have together herself. My wife will love children so much that the number one thing she will give them is a FATHER.
Enjoys all foods!!
What the fuck? This is just stupid. Mushrooms are fucking gross.
My wife will have some kind of useful skill that can be translated into labor market utility once our children have reached the age that they no longer require a full time caregiver at home with them. Humanities degrees are out. Accounting designations are in.
My wife will understand that just because she is a woman, she is not the final arbiter of what constitutes polite and acceptable behaviour. I have my own definitions, and I will govern my own behavior, thanks.
My wife will not be a superficial cunt who thinks knowledge of art and poetry and fine wines and literature is a measure of my worth. If I like those things, then I like them. I won’t pretend to like them just to impress her fucking bitch friends.
Boom! You bet your ass Cupcake! I will be fit and my wife will be fit alongside me. None of this “I don’t give a fuck about you or your desires” bullshit. No fatties. End of story.
My wife will understand that our definitions of fun may be very different and she will make an effort to join me in things I find fun, just like I will make an effort to join in the things she thinks are fun. Yes, I will go ball-room dancing with you, as long as you go fly-fishing with me. And don’t fucking bitch the whole time.
Makes me laugh… from the gut
Yeah, totally. My wife needs to make me laugh. We need to travel through life together, laughing at all the ridiculous bullshit that we encounter every day.
My wife will understand first of all, that SHE is not the one who gets to define happiness. We will come to that definition together. She will also understand that sometimes happiness is not the answer. Sometimes being angry is the answer. Sometimes being aggressive and threatening and kick some ass is the answer, like when a mugger tries to pull his shit on us outside a restaurant. My wife will understand that I experience the intensity of anger differently than she does and she will respect that about me, and let me decide how I feel in any given situation.
My wife will understand that I will love her with all the depth of my soul and make her the center of my world – I will treat her as the only woman who has ever existed, as long as she does the same for me. She will be my Queen, as long as I am her King.
Great amazing lover
Oh yeah. My wife will understand the art of the blowjob, participate enthusiastically and skillfully in lovemaking, initiate it frequently and focus on my pleasure above all else. In exchange, I will focus on her pleasure above all else. Together, we will be fucking magnificent.
Likes animals (especially cats)
Well, cupcake, I hope YOU like cats.
My guess is you’re gonna spend a long time with one.
Lots of love,