I love it when this happens: some single guy friend of Mr.JudgyBitch, hungry for some family time, ends up sitting at our dining room table, a plate of something warm and delicious in front of him, children cavorting silly and funny all around, a cat curled up under his feet and a glass of something fortifying at hand. He looks around, sighs, and says, “JudgyBitch, why aren’t there more of you?”
The truth is there ARE lots of women like me: women who value home and family more than cash and credit in their own names. Women who like being First Officer and are happy to have a Captain who takes the main responsibility for the crew. Women who make other people’s happiness their own, and who don’t have to TRY to do that, it’s just how they are.
The trick is to be able to recognize those women when you meet them, and to see the red flags that tell you when you’re going down the wrong track. So here is JudgyBitch’s advice for single men on how to find a wife.
How much does she weigh?
People come in all different shapes and sizes, and there is no wrong or right shape. There’s only what you prefer, and you are entitled to your preference. Start with that. Do NOT marry someone you do NOT find physically attractive. It will not get better. It will get worse, and that’s a terrible position to be in – married to someone you don’t fancy. Having said that, you need to ask IS HER WEIGHT STABLE? Whether you prefer the softly rounded or the slender, the athletic or the sturdy, a stable weight goes hand in hand with a stable mind. Look at pictures of her over time. Wildly fluctuating weight is a sign of mental disturbance, and that is just what you do NOT want.
How much does she care about her clothes?
Again, it doesn’t matter what your preference, fashion-wise is. A pretty country dress, blue jeans and t-shirt, yoga pants or metropolitan chic. WHAT she wears doesn’t matter, but how much she CARES certainly does. First of all, it can cost a shitload of money to keep a fashion conscious girl in circulation. That is NOT what you want to spend your family’s money on. Second, someone who invests a lot of time thinking about herself and what she looks like is not likely to be spending a lot of time thinking about YOU. And fuck that right there. Check out her closets. Are they stuffed to the seams with clothes and shoes and boots and accessories? Yes? Pass on her. Not what you want.
Does she care if you are hungry?
Young women today have very few domestic skills, a sad result of growing up with mothers who preferred cubicles and frozen pizza to a kitchen and fresh bread. Those skills can be learned, however, and all it takes is practice and desire. Don’t panic if your lady friend cannot boil water or make the proverbial sandwich. She can learn how to do those things. What she CAN’T do is learn how to care. She does or she doesn’t. A woman who will bring you take-out, or heat soup from a can or pick up some bread and cheese from the bakery because YOU are hungry is on the right path. It’s all about attitude. Wanting to go out for dinner because SHE wants to is very different from wanting to go get dinner because YOU have had a long shitty day and she’s knows your favourite Mexican restaurant is just what you need. Caring about you starts with caring about what and when you eat. It’s really that simple.
Does she have a loving family and close friends?
Women who DON’T have these things should not be off the table automatically, because no one chooses their family, but a woman without a family or friends should be dealt with very cautiously. There might be a good reason she has no friends. Beware of women who say things like “I don’t like hanging out with women. They’re so bitchy/catty/dramatic/blah blah. I prefer the company of men.” That’s a huge red flag right there. There are plenty of women I hate and would not voluntarily spend one second with, but I also have a group of like-minded ladies who walk through life with me and I LOVE them to pieces. A woman who prefers the company of men over all women has a problem with lack of male attention. She probably grew up in a single parent household, and it’s unlikely she is going to be satisfied with just YOUR attention. Give her a miss.
Does she have an inner life?
A woman with an inner life does things that allow her to contemplate the world from someone else’s perspective. Whether that involves reading or analyzing baseball games or volunteering at the animal shelter, it means she has some capacity to consider the needs of others. There’s a clue there, dudes. If you’re actively looking for women who read/analyze/volunteer, you should spend some time at the bookstore/arena/shelter. Become a familiar face and you might find a willing conversational partner and then take it from there.
Does she like children?
That’s a deal breaker. A woman who doesn’t like children is a woman who doesn’t like vulnerability, chaos, responsibility, obligation, patience or cheer. Lots of women will say “oh, I would love my OWN children, I just can’t stand other people’s children.” That is a woman who considers children personal property and you are in for a hot mess of hurt and a lifetime of child support if you fall for one of those ladies. The slightest hint of not liking children should send you running for the hills. The failure to see children everywhere as little people deserving of love and guidance and patience and tolerance is fatal flaw. Run, lads!
Does she want a big wedding?
In certain cultures, big weddings are an expectation and par for the course. JudgyBitch’s youngest brother UPSGuy, married into a huge Italian family, and the wedding was insane, but necessary. Mrs.UPSGuy would have been happy to elope, but her 285 cousins would have killed her. So a big wedding it was, but in general, the desire for a big wedding is a hint that you have found a Princess, and not in a good way. A Princess is an entitled narcissist who thinks everything and everyone should be about HER and her Big Day! You are an accessory and not much more. That’s not a good thing. Princesses expect life to treat them royally simply by virtue of being born and they have little concept of what their duties and responsibilities are in relation to the kingdom. Ditch the Princess and look for a Queen. A Queen is different. She understands that she has obligations and that her privilege comes with a price, which she is more than willing to pay. A Princess will see you as a Daddy, who ought to take care of her and indulge her every whim. A Queen knows you are the King, and commands alongside you.
A word about the dress, though. The Dress lives in every woman’s imagination and it will cost a lot for something that only gets worn once (although I wear mine every anniversary). But there is a LOT and then A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. A big creamy taffeta and silk confection can be had for a couple hundred dollars and that is a lot of money, but if you can afford it, it will melt her heart and make her feel like she is living in a dream. With you.
Does she wear sensible shoes?
Ok, this one is a personal peeve. I just think a girl in sensible shoes has her head on straight and knows that sometimes life will throw you a curveball and you need have your feet on the ground, solidly and be ready to catch or get the hell out of the way. Sensible shoes doesn’t mean ugly shoes. It means practical, comfortable and affordable. Just what your wife should be.
So there you have it. What to look for in a wife. Where to find her? Hell if I know. But she’s out there. Don’t settle for anything less.
Lots of love,
JB
Really well-written and entertaining article. Good point about watching for all those little cues. You can never really know what’s in another’s head, but yes … you can observe them. Useful advice for any dad who’s gone through a tough divorce and would love to be able to one day give his son a heads up if he detects that the woman his son brings home will eventually turn his son’s life into a divorce nightmare. But others have raised a good point; the law makes it so ANY woman can at ANY time decide to take away a man’s kids, a good portion of his stuff, and a piece of anything he’ll earn in the future. Around 50% will go ahead and do just that. The law being the way it is, it makes sense that rather than doing what his good judgement tells him is best for the family, a man should allow himself to get henpecked into fearfully serving his wife’s most impractical whims, jumping at her beck and call because divorce could be far more destructive still. I want my son to be responsible to any wife and family he eventually has, but watching him break his back working to indulge an entitled wife, only to get abused and go unappreciated in his own home afterwards like so many “sensible” men today allow because of this kind of fear … well that would send me to an early grave. So along with learning the traits of a good mate and warning signs of a bad one (God knows I didn’t have a clue … I was hopelessly attracted by looks) I’m also interested in learning how my son can protect his parental rights and property so he’s never in a position where any woman with him will feel that kind of lopsided power in the relationship, because she knows she can work him over so brutally after the relationship is done.
Oh, I hear you Ethical. I have a son, too. And I understand completely that I COULD fuck my husband over and steal his children and his money and even though I will NEVER do that, I shouldn’t even have that ability.
I’m beginning to think child support should be strictly voluntary. Give women some incentive to figure their shit out without destroying their families. Divorce should come with a price. A really high one.
Actually any woman who expects a wedding & thinks they deserve a husband is off the table
A woman has to be enthusiastic about men first, not a slut first
If a woman doesnt know how to logically please & logically satisfy a mans intellect, she doesnt deserve a husband
She has to know how to satisfy a man & be willing to surrender to a man, on the knowledge of how a man wants to be satisfied
Great sex & companionship isnt enough
If a woman wants a quality man, she has to know how to logically please a man & logical intellectual needs
Men need a logical reason for a relationship, a logical roller coaster ride
Well, I don’t see a lot of men making logical choices when they get married.
And I have to disagree. I think great sex and companionship is the foundation of a happy marriage. Everything else builds on top of that. If any of those two things are missing, that marriage is gonna suck.
And even then, too bad. If you have children together, you’ll have to get over it. Admit you made a mistake, do your best to nurture sex and companionship, and do whatever it takes to keep your family intact. That’s a message mostly for women, since they are the ones who overwhelmingly file for divorce.
Marry a practical girl who loves having sex WITH YOU and who enjoys YOUR company, and the rest will fall into place.
Given all the caveats in my post, of course.
The part about the loving family is very important, and probably deserves to be expounded upon.
Take a look at her family of origin. Is it relatively stable and normal, or are there traumas lurking there? I’m not just speaking of a garden variety divorce. Lots of people have gone through those relatively unscathed. I mean does she have trauma associated with her family or are there signs of abnormal living conditions? Does her parent’s house show signs of lack of proper maintenance and care? Pig sty or hoarders kind of living? Is there a history of abuse or neglect? Not always easy to find out these things without digging.
What kind of relationship does she have with one or both parents? This can give you some insight into what she (or he – this stuff applies either way) expects from familial relationships? Is she trying to repair or make up for some kind of trauma from her childhood?
There’s really a lot going on here, and I’m far from any kind of expert who is qualified to make an exhaustive list of red flags, but these are the kinds of things you should find out before you marry.
Right on the whole thing – this especially – Don’t panic if your lady friend cannot boil water or make the proverbial sandwich. She can learn how to do those things. What she CAN’T do is learn how to care. She does or she doesn’t.
My wife couldn’t boil an egg when I met her – now she is a great cook.
Shouldn’t you be writing for a magazine somewhere ?
I gave up on the idea of marriage nearly three decades ago and don’t regret it at all. I don’t know a single marriage that has really “worked out”. Women these days believe catering to a man’s desire is so horribly sexist, they end up sabotaging all their relationships. I just couldn’t care less for it.
I get the thing about sensible shoes. I see so many girls wearing flimsy ballet flats in the winter (which I do like on a warm summers day) and I don’t understand how they can stand to be chilly. I don’t own 1 pair of heels, simply because the things hurt. Why would I want to wear something that hurts?
Great post. I’m new to your site but have been working my way through your articles and enjoying them.
I think this article should almost be standard reading for young men on how to evaluate a potential mate. At 40, I’ve been around the block a couple times and seen every one of these flags from various women I have had relationships with over the years. As someone who was not overly inclined to marry in the first place I was more on the look out for the red flags I guess.
I was a professional chef for over 10 years before entering into a sales position for a food services company. As I still love to cook for people I will usually invite a woman I am dating over for dinner. I met a attractive, young, well to me (32) woman a few months ago and we stated dating. As per usual I invited her over for dinner after 4 dates. What set this woman apart was after enjoying the meal, she in turn invited me over to her place so she could cook for me. She admitted she wasn’t a great cook, but was learning and WANTED to give me the pleasure I had given her, of sitting down to a meal cooked with care and attention by someone else specifically for them.
It really blew me away. In all my years she was a FIRST to ever make that offer. Ever other woman seemed to feel she had won some get out of cooking lottery. None ever made any attempt to learn to cook, even though they had a professional chef at hand to teach them anything they wanted to know.
It was the start and while it has only been a couple months, this previously confirmed lifelong bachelor suddenly has thoughts of home and family I thought I would never find in today’s world.
PS: she only wears sensible shoes too.
Does she have a loving family and close friends? NICE ONE!
When I meet a lady I always make sure to inquire about her relationship with her father. Which by judgement is going to be her baseline male rolemodel. When she says her dad is an asshole and has negative feelings about him, you already know she’s going to reflect that shit on me.
Really like your blog.
G