How to pick a wife. Advice for single men.

16 Nov

 

I love it when this happens:  some single guy friend of Mr.JudgyBitch, hungry for some family time, ends up sitting at our dining room table, a plate of something warm and delicious in front of him, children cavorting silly and funny all around, a cat curled up under his feet and a glass of something fortifying at hand.  He looks around, sighs, and says, “JudgyBitch, why aren’t there more of you?”

 

The truth is there ARE lots of women like me:  women who value home and family more than cash and credit in their own names.  Women who like being First Officer and are happy to have a Captain who takes the main responsibility for the crew.  Women who make other people’s happiness their own, and who don’t have to TRY to do that, it’s just how they are.

 

The trick is to be able to recognize those women when you meet them, and to see the red flags that tell you when you’re going down the wrong track. So here is JudgyBitch’s advice for single men on how to find a wife.

 

 

How much does she weigh?

People come in all different shapes and sizes, and there is no wrong or right shape.  There’s only what you prefer, and you are entitled to your preference.  Start with that.  Do NOT marry someone you do NOT find physically attractive.  It will not get better.  It will get worse, and that’s a terrible position to be in – married to someone you don’t fancy.  Having said that, you need to ask IS HER WEIGHT STABLE?  Whether you prefer the softly rounded or the slender, the athletic or the sturdy, a stable weight goes hand in hand with a stable mind. Look at pictures of her over time.  Wildly fluctuating weight is a sign of mental disturbance, and that is just what you do NOT want.

 

How much does she care about her clothes?

 

Again, it doesn’t matter what your preference, fashion-wise is.  A pretty country dress, blue jeans and t-shirt, yoga pants or metropolitan chic.  WHAT she wears doesn’t matter, but how much she CARES certainly does.  First of all, it can cost a shitload of money to keep a fashion conscious girl in circulation.  That is NOT what you want to spend your family’s money on.  Second, someone who invests a lot of time thinking about herself and what she looks like is not likely to be spending a lot of time thinking about YOU.  And fuck that right there. Check out her closets.  Are they stuffed to the seams with clothes and shoes and boots and accessories?  Yes?  Pass on her.  Not what you want.

 

 

Does she care if you are hungry?

 

Young women today have very few domestic skills, a sad result of growing up with mothers who preferred cubicles and frozen pizza to a kitchen and fresh bread.  Those skills can be learned, however, and all it takes is practice and desire.  Don’t panic if your lady friend cannot boil water or make the proverbial sandwich.  She can learn how to do those things.  What she CAN’T do is learn how to care.  She does or she doesn’t.  A woman who will bring you take-out, or heat soup from a can or pick up some bread and cheese from the bakery because YOU are hungry is on the right path.  It’s all about attitude.  Wanting to go out for dinner because SHE wants to is very different from wanting to go get dinner because YOU have had a long shitty day and she’s knows your favourite Mexican restaurant is just what you need.  Caring about you starts with caring about what and when you eat.  It’s really that simple.

 

Does she have a loving family and close friends?

 

Women who DON’T have these things should not be off the table automatically, because no one chooses their family, but a woman without a family or friends should be dealt with very cautiously.  There might be a good reason she has no friends.  Beware of women who say things like “I don’t like hanging out with women.  They’re so bitchy/catty/dramatic/blah blah.  I prefer the company of men.”  That’s a huge red flag right there.  There are plenty of women I hate and would not voluntarily spend one second with, but I also have a group of like-minded ladies who walk through life with me and I LOVE them to pieces.  A woman who prefers the company of men over all women has a problem with lack of male attention.  She probably grew up in a single parent household, and it’s unlikely she is going to be satisfied with just YOUR attention.  Give her a miss.

 

Does she have an inner life?

 

A woman with an inner life does things that allow her to contemplate the world from someone else’s perspective. Whether that involves reading or analyzing baseball games or volunteering at the animal shelter, it means she has some capacity to consider the needs of others.  There’s a clue there, dudes.  If you’re actively looking for women who read/analyze/volunteer, you should spend some time at the bookstore/arena/shelter. Become a familiar face and you might find a willing conversational partner and then take it from there.

 

 

Does she like children?

 

That’s a deal breaker.  A woman who doesn’t like children is a woman who doesn’t like vulnerability, chaos, responsibility, obligation, patience or cheer.  Lots of women will say “oh, I would love my OWN children, I just can’t stand other people’s children.”  That is a woman who considers children personal property and you are in for a hot mess of hurt and a lifetime of child support if you fall for one of those ladies.  The slightest hint of not liking children should send you running for the hills.  The failure to see children everywhere as little people deserving of love and guidance and patience and tolerance is fatal flaw.  Run, lads!

 

Does she want a big wedding?

 

In certain cultures, big weddings are an expectation and par for the course. JudgyBitch’s youngest brother UPSGuy, married into a huge Italian family, and the wedding was insane, but necessary.  Mrs.UPSGuy would have been happy to elope, but her 285 cousins would have killed her.  So a big wedding it was, but in general, the desire for a big wedding is a hint that you have found a Princess, and not in a good way.  A Princess is an entitled narcissist who thinks everything and everyone should be about HER and her Big Day!  You are an accessory and not much more. That’s not a good thing.  Princesses expect life to treat them royally simply by virtue of being born and they have little concept of what their duties and responsibilities are in relation to the kingdom.  Ditch the Princess and look for a Queen.  A Queen is different.  She understands that she has obligations and that her privilege comes with a price, which she is more than willing to pay.  A Princess will see you as a Daddy, who ought to take care of her and indulge her every whim.  A Queen knows you are the King, and commands alongside you.

 

A word about the dress, though.  The Dress lives in every woman’s imagination and it will cost a lot for something that only gets worn once (although I wear mine every anniversary).  But there is a LOT and then A WHOLE FUCKING LOT.  A big creamy taffeta and silk confection can be had for a couple hundred dollars and that is a lot of money, but if you can afford it, it will melt her heart and make her feel like she is living in a dream.  With you.

 

 

Does she wear sensible shoes?

 

Ok, this one is a personal peeve.  I just think a girl in sensible shoes has her head on straight and knows that sometimes life will throw you a curveball and you need have your feet on the ground, solidly and be ready to catch or get the hell out of the way.  Sensible shoes doesn’t mean ugly shoes.  It means practical, comfortable and affordable. Just what your wife should be.

 

So there you have it.  What to look for in a wife.  Where to find her?  Hell if I know.  But she’s out there.  Don’t settle for anything less.

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

 

 

 

 

41 Responses to “How to pick a wife. Advice for single men.”

  1. Ethical November 17, 2012 at 16:11 #

    Really well-written and entertaining article. Good point about watching for all those little cues. You can never really know what’s in another’s head, but yes … you can observe them. Useful advice for any dad who’s gone through a tough divorce and would love to be able to one day give his son a heads up if he detects that the woman his son brings home will eventually turn his son’s life into a divorce nightmare. But others have raised a good point; the law makes it so ANY woman can at ANY time decide to take away a man’s kids, a good portion of his stuff, and a piece of anything he’ll earn in the future. Around 50% will go ahead and do just that. The law being the way it is, it makes sense that rather than doing what his good judgement tells him is best for the family, a man should allow himself to get henpecked into fearfully serving his wife’s most impractical whims, jumping at her beck and call because divorce could be far more destructive still. I want my son to be responsible to any wife and family he eventually has, but watching him break his back working to indulge an entitled wife, only to get abused and go unappreciated in his own home afterwards like so many “sensible” men today allow because of this kind of fear … well that would send me to an early grave. So along with learning the traits of a good mate and warning signs of a bad one (God knows I didn’t have a clue … I was hopelessly attracted by looks) I’m also interested in learning how my son can protect his parental rights and property so he’s never in a position where any woman with him will feel that kind of lopsided power in the relationship, because she knows she can work him over so brutally after the relationship is done.

    • judgybitch November 17, 2012 at 19:45 #

      Oh, I hear you Ethical. I have a son, too. And I understand completely that I COULD fuck my husband over and steal his children and his money and even though I will NEVER do that, I shouldn’t even have that ability.

      I’m beginning to think child support should be strictly voluntary. Give women some incentive to figure their shit out without destroying their families. Divorce should come with a price. A really high one.

    • Mike Porter August 3, 2014 at 04:15 #

      Good sensible article, sound advice. But I’m bound to opine that is better still if you just don’ get married at all.

  2. Rmaxd November 18, 2012 at 00:48 #

    Actually any woman who expects a wedding & thinks they deserve a husband is off the table

    A woman has to be enthusiastic about men first, not a slut first

    If a woman doesnt know how to logically please & logically satisfy a mans intellect, she doesnt deserve a husband

    She has to know how to satisfy a man & be willing to surrender to a man, on the knowledge of how a man wants to be satisfied

    Great sex & companionship isnt enough

    If a woman wants a quality man, she has to know how to logically please a man & logical intellectual needs

    Men need a logical reason for a relationship, a logical roller coaster ride

    • judgybitch November 18, 2012 at 13:51 #

      Well, I don’t see a lot of men making logical choices when they get married.

      And I have to disagree. I think great sex and companionship is the foundation of a happy marriage. Everything else builds on top of that. If any of those two things are missing, that marriage is gonna suck.

      And even then, too bad. If you have children together, you’ll have to get over it. Admit you made a mistake, do your best to nurture sex and companionship, and do whatever it takes to keep your family intact. That’s a message mostly for women, since they are the ones who overwhelmingly file for divorce.

      Marry a practical girl who loves having sex WITH YOU and who enjoys YOUR company, and the rest will fall into place.

      Given all the caveats in my post, of course.

    • mm August 26, 2013 at 07:38 #

      You talk about great sex as if it’s an automatic given when it seems to me most people don’t know how to have good sex because of the dunning-krueger effect and because actually learning about sex philosophy & technique the same way you’d do to things like cooking is sort of taboo.
      Case in point: how many men here know about using tantric pricnples/PC muscle exercises to have male multiple orgasms? The theory behind male multiple orgasms is actually not that complex yet most people don’t know about it because for most people, things like “great sex” are not necessarily their priorities.

  3. gregariouswolf December 14, 2012 at 03:18 #

    The part about the loving family is very important, and probably deserves to be expounded upon.

    Take a look at her family of origin. Is it relatively stable and normal, or are there traumas lurking there? I’m not just speaking of a garden variety divorce. Lots of people have gone through those relatively unscathed. I mean does she have trauma associated with her family or are there signs of abnormal living conditions? Does her parent’s house show signs of lack of proper maintenance and care? Pig sty or hoarders kind of living? Is there a history of abuse or neglect? Not always easy to find out these things without digging.

    What kind of relationship does she have with one or both parents? This can give you some insight into what she (or he – this stuff applies either way) expects from familial relationships? Is she trying to repair or make up for some kind of trauma from her childhood?

    There’s really a lot going on here, and I’m far from any kind of expert who is qualified to make an exhaustive list of red flags, but these are the kinds of things you should find out before you marry.

    • Passerby June 20, 2013 at 18:10 #

      Kind of random, and way late, but I have to so, so emphasize this point. Even though my family was exactly the kind of trauma you’re describing (hoarding, bipolar, drug addiction, schizophrenia…). A man’s sanity and the mental health in general of his family tree is the single most important quality to me. Over kindness, over intelligence, over everything. I KNOW I’m carrying some crazy genes, and while I’ve pretty well dealt with my shit and moved on, I didn’t escape without a few whacks from the crazy branch on my way down. I can’t help what my kids will inherit from me, but I can damn well make sure they get the best start as possible from the other side of their family tree.

    • Pertinax July 27, 2014 at 21:04 #

      I can understand your points. However…

      Let’s look at Judgy Bitch’s own statement regarding her parents. That was traumatic. Does that adversely affect her relationship with her husband and children? It seems not to; she seems like a wonderful parent.

      Terming past issues as red flags would be cruel and unjust.

      Note:
      Judgy Bitch, I hope you do not take offense in anyway from this, I was merely noting that past traumas are not necessarily indicative of future states.

      • judgybitch July 27, 2014 at 21:11 #

        I take no offense at all. And it’s true, I had horrible, violent parents and a huge amount of awareness that I needed to address the residuals of that early experience. Any woman who understand that her own experiences may not have equipped her particularly well is one worth watching.

        I told my husband in no uncertain terms that I would be taking his lead on matters of family, since he came from a close, loving one, and I didn’t. He was more than happy to advise me when needed,and I was more than happy to listen.

  4. Podsnap December 14, 2012 at 13:46 #

    Right on the whole thing – this especially – Don’t panic if your lady friend cannot boil water or make the proverbial sandwich. She can learn how to do those things. What she CAN’T do is learn how to care. She does or she doesn’t.

    My wife couldn’t boil an egg when I met her – now she is a great cook.

    Shouldn’t you be writing for a magazine somewhere ?

    • Jack May 29, 2014 at 17:35 #

      My wife is between jobs. I work 8-10 hour days. When I came home yesterday and asked “what her thoughts were about dinner” (I try to be diplomatic) she replies, “Well I figured you’d eat that frozen pizza”.

      Now, I’m not expecting a turkey dinner the moment I come home, but I do expect her to think about my needs, especially when shes not working. If I wanted frozen pizza for dinner then I would have married Mama Celeste!

  5. Marlo Rocci December 20, 2012 at 08:33 #

    I gave up on the idea of marriage nearly three decades ago and don’t regret it at all. I don’t know a single marriage that has really “worked out”. Women these days believe catering to a man’s desire is so horribly sexist, they end up sabotaging all their relationships. I just couldn’t care less for it.

  6. Sarah Daniels February 16, 2013 at 10:35 #

    I get the thing about sensible shoes. I see so many girls wearing flimsy ballet flats in the winter (which I do like on a warm summers day) and I don’t understand how they can stand to be chilly. I don’t own 1 pair of heels, simply because the things hurt. Why would I want to wear something that hurts?

  7. freetofish April 19, 2013 at 21:53 #

    Great post. I’m new to your site but have been working my way through your articles and enjoying them.

    I think this article should almost be standard reading for young men on how to evaluate a potential mate. At 40, I’ve been around the block a couple times and seen every one of these flags from various women I have had relationships with over the years. As someone who was not overly inclined to marry in the first place I was more on the look out for the red flags I guess.

    I was a professional chef for over 10 years before entering into a sales position for a food services company. As I still love to cook for people I will usually invite a woman I am dating over for dinner. I met a attractive, young, well to me (32) woman a few months ago and we stated dating. As per usual I invited her over for dinner after 4 dates. What set this woman apart was after enjoying the meal, she in turn invited me over to her place so she could cook for me. She admitted she wasn’t a great cook, but was learning and WANTED to give me the pleasure I had given her, of sitting down to a meal cooked with care and attention by someone else specifically for them.

    It really blew me away. In all my years she was a FIRST to ever make that offer. Ever other woman seemed to feel she had won some get out of cooking lottery. None ever made any attempt to learn to cook, even though they had a professional chef at hand to teach them anything they wanted to know.

    It was the start and while it has only been a couple months, this previously confirmed lifelong bachelor suddenly has thoughts of home and family I thought I would never find in today’s world.

    PS: she only wears sensible shoes too.

  8. G May 31, 2013 at 11:33 #

    Does she have a loving family and close friends? NICE ONE!

    When I meet a lady I always make sure to inquire about her relationship with her father. Which by judgement is going to be her baseline male rolemodel. When she says her dad is an asshole and has negative feelings about him, you already know she’s going to reflect that shit on me.

    Really like your blog.
    G

  9. In 2 Deep September 21, 2013 at 11:12 #

    Oh god… I just checked a solid NO on all your wife-screening questions. Problem is, I’m already married to her… What have I done!?
    I never thought I would post on an internet blog but one google search out of frustration/desperation for “wife is being a bitch, what do?” later… well here I am.
    I guess this is pretty much relationship rock bottom, posting on the internet about it… Still worth a shot If I can somehow save us from divorce…
    So yeah, she hits all the red flags, including word for word “I don’t hang out with girls, they’re bitches, I get along so much better with guys”; at out civil union (yeah just that so far, wedding planned for later, we’re just 4 months in) she wore huge platform shoes, ending up taller than me, when she’s usually much smaller; and probably the Titanic-killer-iceberg sized red flag, wild weight fluctuations: we’re talking anorexic to chubby, back to anorexic again, then somewhere in between (which really suits her, but alas the stretch marks!). This last one I actually saw, and even knew the cause was mad depression, downward spiral etc, yet I still thought that I’m her man, I’m gonna take care of her, we’ll go to therapy if we have to, it’s all gonna work out in the end. Besides she seems pretty stable now, right? Riiiiiiight…
    So I was utterly in love, and utterly dumb at the same time. My bad. Question is what can I do now? I love her supremely, that hasn’t changed, in fact it might have even gotten stronger with all her crap I’ve had to deal with these last couple of months (stuff that only came out after we were married. go figure), I’m a pretty determined guy in general, and I don’t run away from a challenge.
    But here I am, swallowing my ego and admitting I’m pretty much fucked. As my username says haha. My friends have all told me abort abort abort. But they are not in love with her. Oh I completely understand that they are able to look at this logically, and to a certain extent I am not. However I too see the reasoning: Divorce seems like the best solution long term.
    Still… I can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe I will reach that point soon, or maybe much later, but for now I’m reaching out to the internet. That or I’m just venting of in an incognito window. Because she likes to check my browsing history, of course right? Oh well thanks random blog for showing up in google :D

    • judgybitch September 21, 2013 at 13:02 #

      Oh, crap, dude. This is really hard.

      No one knows how to run your life except for you. Two things you need to understand: first, all the things you describe about your wife are NOT going to get better over time. They are going to get worse. If you’re holding out for the day she changes and deals with all her issues, you may be in for a very long wait.

      Second, nothing will change until you figure out what it is in YOU that made you pledge yourself to a woman who comes across as a train wreck. If you can’t dig deep down and understand why you chose this person, and what you can do to ensure you make better choices in the future, then the reality is you probably won’t make any better choices and will just end up with someone else who is very similar.

      Do you want children? Is the person you are with going to make a good mother? Would you want her for a mother? Some fairly important considerations.

      I’m willing to put up this entire comment as a separate post, to see what my advice my regular commenters have for you, but I won’t do so without your permission. Men who have been there, done that will almost certainly have better guidance for you than me.

      Let me know by responding to this comment, or by emailing me at becauseyoudontknowshit@gmail.com.

      • In 2 Deep September 22, 2013 at 07:10 #

        No, I don’t think I need to derail your blog with my issues or seek internet fame; I’ve already been brought to the lowest I can tolerate. But thx for the offer, that’s very kind of you.

        It hurts me to always hear that things aren’t going to get better over time, but at this point I might as well accept the reality of it. I tried talking to her about her problems but she just shuns me away, and calls me crazy. I suggested she see, or we see a therapist, but she said she’ll never step foot in his office, and if I do some kind of intervention she’ll leave me. She insists that’s she just a normal, nice and kind girl, and a great one that everyone would die to have as a wife and i’m some kind of sick, jealous and shitty husband that just happened to maker her fall in love.

        Why I married her… It’s a bit of a long story, incoming wall of text. I mean i knew for a fact she was a crazy one, my best friend is her ex-boyfriend after all (yeah kinda fucked up I know), and while they were together I kept hearing the craziest things. In fact, bearing out the various things he told me about her over the internet previously, the first time I actually met her in person was as his girlfriend when I was visiting my birth country. On the internet I thought she was a crazy jealous possessive girlfriend. After seeing her in real life, I thought my buddy was just exaggerating on a bit wild, but still rather mundane relationship, and that she was such a cool chick to hang out with in general.

        Fast forward 2 years later, they break up in the meantime, I don’t really talk to her, but she does add me on social media, after she breaks up with him. Blah blah, nothing major, new year’s 2013. I randomly show up super late and vaguely drunk to my buddy’s party after another party. I don’t know 90% of the people there. So I just find my favorite bear he had stashed away from the drunken revelers and sip away while getting cozy with the beat. She shows up from out of the blue, giant hug, and tells me how glad she is I am there. Colour me surprised, since I barely exchanged 10 words with her since 2011. Well long story short… she’s single, i’m single, the night is wild, we hook up. Yes, drunken party hookups are always a bad idea long term but hey I was just having some fun. We spend couple of days together and I realize I really like this girl. It’s unbelievable that me and her would be together. Everyone of our friends comments on our unlikely pairing. Some a bit more vitriolic than others (rah rah you stole his exgf? say what???).

        I should probably point out that she’s better looking than me. I am… just your average guy. Rather rough features, but nothing that really stands out. I’ve been told I do a really good diabolic expression sometimes tho :). She’s much better from a sheer beauty/cuteness/hotness standpoint, although she’s not what you would call drop dead gorgeous (don’t worry for me she’s the best looking girl in the world, she’s just right). Even so, she is desired by many men and some women too (she’s bi as well… oh right forgot to mention that), and has had some wealthy people trying to screw her but she wouldn’t have it. So than, everyone was telling us how unlikely of a match we are, and how she could have any man she wanted and she gets me (yeah trust me when I say i’ve got an iron shell, to be able to take that from most of our mutual friends… man I get no respect). This is probably point Nr 1: Wanting to prove all the naysayers wrong, and that I AM IN FACT WORTHY OF HER.

        So we spent a couple of days together. It was beautiful. The snow, the lovemaking, the clubbing with just the two of us (she even made a point of how much fun I am to be with, since she can’t go to clubs without a big group, but with me she feels great), it all felt so… fresh to me. Fitting like a glove. Here was this girl that I could talk to like my buddy, but also like with a sexual partner. Perfect. A girlfriend plus a regular friend in one. That sounded a lot like “The One” for me. So point Nr 2: How fit we were for each other, like a sword and its scabbard.

        Moving on, I left that country to come back to my home country. It was tragic in the airport to separate like that. Oh a word on sex quickly: She’s great in bed. She knows stuff, and she can play dirty or passionately and is very flexible in how she does it. Really can’t ask for much more in this regard. I’ve never felt more satisfied by a women in bed like I am with her. Therefore point nr 3: Utterly awesome sex life. nuff said.

        Now we kept this tight, but long distance relationship going for 4 months. We got closer by the day. And we ended up talking more seriously, but hypothetically. And children. This also answers your questions about the subject: Yes I want children, she does too, but neither of us wants them right now (I’m 25 she’s 24), but definitely our first child around the 30 mark. We planned to enjoy each other for a couple of years more before becoming parents. So this was point nr 4: She really wanted kids after a couple of years, and so did I, and this just made me love her even more.

        Now would she make a good mother? No, not right now. Just like I would probably not make that great of a father. But we’re young and learning. At least I know I am. And no, I most definitely would not want her for my mother. She grew up… how do I put this? wild. She had an education, that much is certain, just like me. But unlike me who had sensible limits on what I could do, and while having my crazy teenage years haha just like everyone else, came out of it with a decent sense of respect for authority and discipline, hell common sense even, she… did not. She really lacks common sense. I don’t laugh at poor people on the streets, regardless how admittedly funny some may look in their mismatched clothing. That’s just straight up wrong. She does, and even scolds me when I’m pointing out how bad it is that she’s laughing. Like making a scene, shouting in public to leave her alone, she can laugh at whoever she wants, besides it’s their fault for being like that… Siiiiigh.

        Anyway, while her parents educated her, they did not restrict her on questionable activities. So she was never disciplined, or put in her place like every teenager that oversteps their boundaries should. She even told me so, that she was free to do what she wanted, and on the few occasions where there were some limits imposed, she said yes mom, while later doing her thing.

        For my final point on why I married her, I’ll just mention the difficulty in long distance relationships, and how I wanted my then girlfriend to be with me here as soon as possible. So seeing points 1 through 4, and how it was likely that we would end up getting married anyway couple of years down the road and then have to go through this long and terrible immigration process… Why wait? why add an extra 2-3 years of long distance, to the one year of so, of waiting for her to be able to come here legally? Yep, my brilliant solution was exactly this, so point nr 5: Do a civil union, start immigration to bring her to me, resulting in the least amount of separation. And 2-3 years later we can have the actual big church wedding.

        In hindsight, this was probably a rushed decision. In any case, that is where we are, and those are my reasons for marrying her. We stay in touch on skype, facebook, teamviewer, yahoo messenger, phone calls etc. I even bought a pair of high tech webcams for 1080p video on skype. I send her flowers every once in a while. And care packages. I think I do just about as much as a husband can do given the situation with this huge distance.

        Anyway, I’m surprised at how much I wrote. And I could still write more, much more haha. I’m sorry actually, it might even break your blog maybe? lol. But man, writing all this has really helped me realize how much I want to fight for her. You know I don’t think i’m going to go for a divorce. I will still keep on fighting for us. She is a great girl when she’s okay. The problem is when she’s completely opposite of what I thought I knew. All these problems I mentioned in my previous post, the red flags etc, they all showed up en masse after we were married, and I left the country to go back to working, studying, doing paperwork for immigration etc. I’m not a trained professional, but it seems like she is bipolar. Well we won’t know for sure since she refuses any kind of counseling. Maybe it’s also this distance that is making her go crazy every other day, and when i’ll go back for the holidays she will calm down. Who knows at this point, all I can say is i’m not admitting defeat just yet! Defeat is when she’ll bring forth the divorce papers, and from how she talks she most definitely doesn’t want that. So yeah, it was good to get this off my chest anonymously. My douchy friends all say just divorce her brah, or put her in her place physically next time you see her… I’d rather not thank you very much. Now then, do I have the guts to hit post on such an honest and revealing piece? Yes, I think I do, after all i’m not afraid of taking on judgement.

        • BeenThere September 27, 2013 at 16:28 #

          Great post, and very helpful even for one of the guys who have ‘been there and done that’. I can say that I’ve had a string of dysfunctional girlfriends ranging from entitled, to borderline psycho, to clinically bipolar. So I’m very cautious as I’m seeking something a bit more solid.

          In 2 Deep: Your situation sounds all too familiar. First of all, being in your 20’s you should do everything to prevent yourself from having to make any decisions that you are likely to regret, because you probably do not have enough life experience to make good ones at least until your 30s. Focus on your education, your career, and your self-development. The older you are, and the more you have your stuff together, the more attractive you will be to women who are also stable and have their s&*t together.

          So all of this is just a passing phase, and you should make sure that you don’t regret it by getting legally entagled in some way, either because of domestic violence, unplanned pregnancy, etc. With relationships experience says that ‘what you see is what you get’. If she seems bipolar, she probably is, and that is a whole lot of damaged, v high maintenance goods. Moreover, because you’re relatively young, it’s unlikely that she will respect you. You’ll probably lack authority and women do need that. Women with emotional problems will tend to stick to weak and ‘devoted’ males that they can easily control.

          Getting away from this without too much damage other than as a learning experience and a lesson that you need to go, find yourself a cave, and take a good look at yourself, would obviously be the best outcome. Focus on your own development, and avoid dysfunctional, symbiotic relationships like the plague. Otherwise what you might get is the police and the course system, children who are neglected, or perhaps accidentally drown, etc. etc.

        • BeenThere September 28, 2013 at 15:03 #

          Reading around judgybitch’s blog I have found plenty of supporting materials/food-for-thought for In 2 Deep. Here are some prime pickings:

          There was a link to this blog:

          “From Letting Go of Invisible Friends:

          I can’t begin to list the number of otherwise intelligent and ambitious men I’ve known who’ve drastically altered the course of their lives to follow their ONE. Men who’ve changed their majors in college, who’ve selected or switched universities, men who’ve applied for jobs in states they would never have considered, accepted jobs that are sub-standard to their ambitions or qualifications, men who’ve renounced former religions and men who’ve moved across the planet all in an effort to better accommodate an idealized woman with whom they’ve played pseudo-boyfriend with over the course of an LDR; only to find that she wasn’t the person they thought she was and were depressive over the gravity that their decisions played in their lives.

          And again from Dream Killers:

          It never ceases to amaze me when I talk with these young men in their teens and 20s and they try to impress me with their fierce independence in every other realm of their lives, yet they are the same guys who are so ready to limit that independence and ambition in exchange for dependable female intimacy. They’re far too eager to slap on the handcuffs of monogamy, rather than develop themselves into men of ambition and passion that women naturally want to be associated with.[...]

          All of this is limited by a man’s attitude towards the opposite sex. Women are dream killers. Not because they have an agenda to be so, but because men will all too willingly sacrifice their ambitions for a steady supply of pussy and the responsibilities that women attach to this.”

          Here are some more choice pieces to illustrate how the power game between men and women is primarily age related:

          Source: http://therationalmale.com/2013/09/19/the-curse-of-potential/

          http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/40-years-of-ultimatums/

          http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2012/11/24/more-grim-news-for-carousellers-hoping-to-jump-at-the-last-minute/#comment-62160

          The last two may seem irrelevant since In 2 Deep is married, but they do talk about how women no longer view marriage as a necessary and serious investment, so applies also to married women who basically aren’t really serious about investing in their marriage.

        • CDN September 29, 2013 at 01:46 #

          You really should have read this before taking the plunge…

          http://socialpathology.blogspot.ca/2010/09/sexual-partner-divorce-risk.html

    • ConcernedStranger October 14, 2013 at 18:10 #

      The reason you became involved with this chick is because of fear. It seems apparent to me that you have a fear that you are not lovable by a ‘normal’ woman.

      Therefore the more fucked up the girl you are with, the more she unloads crazy into your world, the more in your mind, you feel secure. The more problems she has the more you feel she could never possibly do without you, therefore you get to meet your need to be loved but in a ‘low risk’ environment because you feel this chick depends on you. As she dishes out more problems (after the nuptials for example) you lap it up. You also get the side benefit of playing martyr. “Poor fellow, he’s a saint for taking care of her.”

      Both of these things come from what I expect to be your horrible self esteem. From this situation you have created for yourself you are getting validation from ‘love’ from her, and validation from friends and family as to what a swell guy you are for taking one for the team.

      Look dude, the problem is not her, it’s you. No man who has even a shred of self respect or concern for himself would intentionally, as you have, create such a nightmare for himself. No man who gives even an iota of a shit about himself would setup such a situation for himself and potentially his future children.

      So, my advice to you is to get an annulment and then figure out why the fuck you hate yourself so much that you would intentionally do this to yourself. And you did do this to yourself. YOU did it. To yourself.

      So the big elephant in the room is why do you hate on yourself like this? Who the hell taught you that you are worth so little that this is all you deserve? Figure that out.

      There’s no kind way to say this, but my intention is kind, you are a fool. I mean that sincerely, and in the hope that such a stark observation from another man might make you pause to reflect on that so that you may correct the course of your life before you run aground on the rocks, that you are fast approaching.

      Good luck.

  10. k8 November 28, 2013 at 02:58 #

    I really don’t like other people’s kids. They are so poorly behaved for the most part, and you still have to pretend they’re the cutest thing in the world, even as they’re biting and screaming at you because otherwise, their parents will get angry at you. They especially hate it when you object to their child’s behaviour in any way, because it makes them feel bad about being horrible parents. Who needs that? I understand it’s not the child’s fault that they’re the way they are, but it doesn’t make them any less irritating to be around. Your own kids are hopefully more tolerable, because you nurtured them carefully, with love and discipline, to behave like proper human beings. I guess only time will show whether or not I’ll be a good wife and mother though. I’ll try my best at it, but I don’t think I could ever love the public menaces that are other people’s children (especially not on airplanes).

  11. avoicefromholland March 9, 2014 at 14:44 #

    Dear JB,

    What WOULD be a sensible price for a wedding dress? How much did yours cost?

    • judgybitch March 9, 2014 at 14:47 #

      I bought an actual wedding dress off the rack at a bridal boutique the morning of my wedding.

      It was $200

      The most expensive item of clothing I have ever purchased.

      I wear it every year on my anniversary.

      After 14 years and three children it still fits perfectly.

  12. Ally March 31, 2014 at 09:51 #

    I love this article, I keep returning to it whenever I visit this site.

    My current girlfriend ticks every box. And she can cook. Happy days.

  13. happybettyhomemaker May 6, 2014 at 04:12 #

    17 years and 4 kids later we’re still going strong – Really late to the post on this but wanted to throw in for what it’s worth: Horrible immediate families may not be the deal breaker they seem to be if there’s a close bond/influence provided by decent grandparents. My divorced mother was a self indulgent mess who taught me what I never wanted to be, her parents however were married 52 years before my grandfather passed, loved eachother so completely, and were utterly my mentors and guides for a happy marriage.

  14. JShaft May 20, 2014 at 06:24 #

    Hi JB, just started reading your stuff. Found you via girlwriteswhat, in a very roundabout way. I’m what might best be described as someone who is currently recovering from being the son of a Feminist single mother, so I’d imagine that would place me right in the middle of your natural audience :p

    In any case, while I have loved (and will soon get around to commenting on) many of your posts, this one I have a few… possible refinements to offer? I know that, by necessity, this kind of thing always includes gross generalisations, and there are exceptions to every rule. So I thought I’d maybe sit here and nitpick from my armchair, or at least offer interesting subclauses from my own life experience.

    To be good, I’ll also share where I completely agree, and even see a need for further clarification/reinforcement of points, and to be nice, I’ll do that first. :)

    For starters, the whole “Women who hate women, but have a lot of male friends” thing. For starters, definitely not marriage material (I’m not a fan of marriage as a concept in general, but I’m looking at it from the perspective of those who do find it to be a thing), but possibly for other/different reasons than those you posit. I’ve been friends with and dated such girls. I hear from some guys and comedians that they wish girls could be more like them. Enjoy sports, like a drink, talk like sailors, play rough without crying etc etc etc. These ARE those girls, and be careful what you wish for… Best friends a guy could ever have, doubly so if you’re into “friends with benefits”. Now here’s where I finish up and destroy the last shreds of my upbringing: Because they’re guys. They’re guys with vaginas, and unless you’re pretty and gonna make a home for them, then, well…

    People miss this point so badly in the social justice world, because they just love black/white thinking. Good/evil, right/wrong… No room for nuance. Thing is, gender is a spectrum, and even that is a gross oversimplification. I do plenty of things that are girl things, and the first guy to have an active problem with that finds out just how wide the true variety of humanity is when they’re on their back tapping like mad :) Seriously, my girlfriend knows I’d never raise me voice at her, except if she walked into the kitchen while I was cooking, without both announcing herself and asking if it’s okay. Because I’m a high-intensity cook, not some sort of bizzarro kitchen nazi. Well, okay, maybe a bit of both…

    So, yeah, with you on the girl-hating girls. Great friends, but if you’re a manly man, you sure as shit don’t want one of these. The point of marriages is to find someone who “fits” you, even “completes” you. Someone who has what you need, and you have what they need. Not financially, but emotionally and behaviorally.

    Anyways, I’ve rambled enough to almost start my own blog, so I’ll leave it there for now. You can hang nervously and await my promised constructive criticism, it won’t be nearly as awesome as you might worry, were you to seem the type to give a shit :)

  15. Dago July 25, 2014 at 00:31 #

    Heh. Good points all, but I kinda flunk at point n.1. I like them insanely hot. And unfortunately there is an inverse law regarding sanity and female beauty. The really pretty ones are all unhinged.

    I even drew up a chart and everything. Seriously, it sucks. Mostly because the hot smart, funny ones are also generally really good in bed. (lots of practice will do that) It’s kinda hard to see the egomaniacal narcissistic paradimensional vortex of madness when our whole central nervous system is concentrated in our dick.

    • JShaft July 25, 2014 at 01:20 #

      I sort of get that, or at least used to, but I always saw it a bit differently: When one is complemented hourly/daily on how awesome one is, purely by reason of existence, when one doesn’t get tickets from cops, when one never has to stand on public transport (and rarely has to use it in the first place), when people fall over each other to offer you seats, drinks, or to pay for the thing you just bought because you forgot your purse, well…

      There’s no external motivation to drive any sort of personality development, other than towards some sort of natural law of you not having to deal with anything icky. So little bits of fundamental personality development are missing, like the ability to know that sometimes you’re wrong, admitting one’s own flaws, gracefully acknowledging another’s point of view, these never get developed…

      As I said to my girlfriend/babymomma, when we were first becoming friends, the trick is to find someone who’s pretty enough, but not conventionally pretty enough to know it. Funnily enough, she grew on me…

      Oh, and if you’re lucky enough to get that far, then comes the really difficult adjustment: Doing *that* to someone you respect and admire. Seriously, harder than it sounds :p

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