Full disclosure: Mr.JudgyBitch works fulltime and takes care of our family so I can be at home fulltime, making all of this doubly true, but even if you do work, you shouldn’t be making your husband do housework. Unless he wants to, of course.
Do you own throw pillows? Do you like the towels folded in a particular way? Are the things in your cupboards arranged the way they are because YOU arranged them? Does a dirty floor drive you nuts? Do you care about what the house looks like? Good.
It’s because you are a woman and women have an attachment to their domestic space that men just don’t have. Simply put, men don’t give a shit about housework. Women bitch and moan about having to do a “second shift” of housework, but guess what? You CHOOSE to do that. Yeah, yeah, the laundry has to get done, food prepared and dishes washed. Maybe mop the floor every once in a while. The rest of the “housework” is 100% voluntary and you are the only one who gives a shit, so you should do it. Trust me, your husband and kids don’t give a rat’s ass if the beds are made, the placemats on the table match (or even if there are placemats) or the TV is dusted. Who gives a fuck? Oh, you do? Then get dusting bitch!
The number one reason you should not bully or harangue your husband about housework is that it is EMASCULATING. Are you a feminist? You might as well stop reading right now then, since emasculating men is the whole point of feminism. You gals WANT a kitchen bitch, and good luck with that. But for women who are interested in a happy, loving relationship with a man who acts like a man, there is nothing more emasculating that being ordered by your wife to scrub the bathtub.
Did you see what I just did there? It’s not scrubbing the bathtub or the toilet or folding laundry or making lunch that is emasculating. It’s BEING ORDERED TO by your wife. Mr. JudgyBitch does a few things reliably around the house and they tend to be traditionally masculine chores. He takes out the garbage. All of it. He sorts the recycling. He cleans the bathrooms because that is gross and messy work and he agrees that I shouldn’t have to do it. He brings the groceries in from the car. I have not once EVER ordered him to do these things. He does them because he wants to, because he wants to help me and because it makes him feel connected to his home. And if I get overwhelmed by something, or really, just don’t fucking feel like unloading the dishwasher/cleaning the oven/picking up the damn dog toys, I can ask him to pitch in and help. And he will. Once in a while.
Here is a chore I do more or less every day that I know he doesn’t give a shit about: I clear off the table, wipe it down until it shines, put on a table runner and a centerpiece. Ta-da! So lovely.
If I ask Mr. JudgyBitch to clear off the table he takes the shit off the table and puts it all on the counter and there’s that job done! Then he looks at me like I’m crazy because what fucking difference does it make if shit is piled up on the table or the counter?
Here’s what I DON’T do: follow him around and order him to take all the shit off the table and put it where I have decided it goes. Yeah, watched a friend do this to her husband once and wondered why he didn’t punch her in the face or at least tell her to fuck off. They’re divorced now. Big surprise. Apparently, he was a lazy fucker. Or you know, she was a controlling, emasculating bitch. Take your pick.
Here’s the thing: if you are going to define your domestic space as YOURS, and most women do, which is why there are MAN CAVES (hint: it’s because the REST OF THE HOUSE has been claimed by the woman), then YOU are the one responsible for it. You don’t get to decide that the blue throw cushions go on the chair and the crocheted rose throw goes on the couch and then DEMAND your husband follow your rules. Fuck that. And if you have blue throw cushions and a crocheted rose throw, then you better have a room your husband can sit in without feeling like he’s invaded the ladies room at some posh joint.
Here’s a solution to the dilemma of women doing more housework than men: LOWER YOUR FUCKING STANDARDS. Let go of the idea that you own your house and all the things in it, including your husband. He is not a robovac that can be turned on and put into service. If he doesn’t give a shit about the housework, then maybe you should take his lead and give less of a shit yourself.
Or you know, DO IT YOURSELF. Which has some advantages. You wouldn’t be so goddamn fat if you did more housework. Cancel the gym membership and pick up the mop. You’ll save money and be happier! And you won’t have to cut off your husband’s balls to achieve it.
Lots of love,